The Pruning

Lyle and I at General Conference

     Truth: the last couple of months have been harder for me.  I've had sickness and oral surgery, serious worries about the stepkids and to add to that my depression has gotten worse again.  Every now and then it decides to rear its ugly head and make sure I know it's still there. Yes, Oh Powerful One, I acknowledge your annoying and hurtful presence.  With this particular struggle comes a dark backdrop to my life which produces feelings of worthlessness and in turn find a trigger in my continuing and unfulfilled desire to be a mother.  Oh goodie!  And just in time for all the hoopla celebrating Mother's Day (the worst day of the year for infertiles).
     I've been reading in Mosiah in my scripture study lately (yeah for me, I'm reading my scriptures!) and this week was reading chapter 23 which talks about Alma and his people who after being chased by King Noah's army into the wilderness settle in a land they called Helam.  Verses 20-22 tell us:
     'And it came to pass that they did multiply and prosper exceedingly in the land of Helam; and they built a city, which they called the city of Helam.
     'Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.
     'Nevertheless- whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day.  yea, and thus it was with this people.'
     The people of Alma were soon found by an army of Lamanites and ended up being enslaved and ruled by a wicked man named Amulon, a former priest of King Noah, who had joined with the Lamanites and found favor with their King.  Amulon put the people of Alma in bondage and had task masters watching over them.  They were even forbidden to pray.   Their afflictions were very great.
     One thing I find interesting in this story is that these were righteous people.  They were following the commandments and the Lord still allowed them to be put in a horrible and scary situation.  Then when they cried to the Lord for deliverance, he responded; but he didn't take them out of bondage at first.  Instead, he eased their burdens so that even though they were still practically slaves, they were able to bear it well.  The Lord 'did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'  It was only after this experience that the Lord finally delivered them out of the Lamanites control.  The Lord allowed them to suffer, to be chastened, though they were righteous.
     For much of my life I understood the word 'chasten' to mean getting in trouble for doing something bad.  But I love the real definition:

1. to correct by punishment or suffering (to discipline or purify)
2. to prune of excess, pretense, or falsity
3. to cause to be more humble and restrained

     I added bold to my favorite words.  This gives me a much broader sense of the real meaning of being chastened.
     Last year for Mother's Day an infertile friend gave me a book, 'Finding God in the Garden' by Brent and Wendy Top.  I was surprised at first.  I am NOT a gardener.  In fact, I kill plants.  Not on purpose, but they still end up dead regardless of my good intentions.  A couple of years ago we got 3 bamboo shoots and within a couple of months 2 of them died.  Bamboo isn't exactly the hardest plant to take care of.  The remaining shoot has survived because Lyle took over it's nurturing.  Regardless, I've found this book very interesting.  Though I don't garden, I still enjoy the important parts of gardening being likened to spiritual growth.  I was reading this week the entry called 'A Wise and Loving Gardener'.  They talk about pruning  their 'babies' each spring and refer to it as a science.  They state that in order to get certain results from a plant, pruning is required.  Knowing where, when and how to prune, you can stop growth, encourage branching, create new branches, produce better fruit and many other things.  Then they relate pruning to a spiritual matter: the Lord as a gardener pruning us.

     'We have often thought how thankful we are that the Lord is an expert, eternal Gardener who knows perfectly how to prune His 'babies'.  Pruning is absolutely essential for certain plants (and people) if you love and care about them and want them to achieve their full potential and better serve your purposes.  Such trimming shapes and strengthens and beautifies.  It directs growth to create bigger and better fruit and flower production.  Cutting back also protects a plant from growth in places and in ways that would cause damage to it or other plants around it.  It gets rid of useless and even harmful dead growth that robs parts of the plant of the awakening light of the sun.  New growth can then sprout in places that have never seen life.  So, too, can Heavenly Father shape and fit His children, not only to be useful and experience maximum growth and blessing in this life but also to become beautiful, perfected, and exalted in His own celestial garden....
     'The greatest Gardener knows we cannot be or do all things.  He knows perfectly our individual needs and purposes.  He knows what has to go and what should be kept in order for us to be fruitful and accomplish our mission.  He knows when it is time to transplant us and exactly where we will blossom best.  If we fail to trust Him and yield to His perfectly practiced hand, we will end up producing weak, useless, or distorted fruit and thereby, perhaps, deprive others of opportunities to become all that they could be.' (bold added to emphasize the parts that are thought provoking to me).
     The idea that cutting something back and causing it pain in order to help its growth, blossoming and bearing of fruit later on is sometimes a hard one to accept.  It's difficult when you feel like a clipped and small stump to see the beautiful tree you will end up becoming.  But I love being reminded that though my branch of motherhood has been cut away, the nourishment from the Son is being directed into other areas of my life that have more need.    
     Hugh B. Brown's parable 'The Gardener and the Currant Bush' helps provide a beautiful reminder of the necessity of pruning.
     'In the early dawn, a young gardener was pruning his trees and shrubs.  He had one choice currant bush which had gone too much to wood.  He feared therefore that it would produce little, if any, fruit.
     'Accordingly, he trimmed and pruned the bush and cut it back.  In fact, when he had finished, there was little left but stumps and roots.
     'Tenderly he considered what was left.  It looked so sad and deeply hurt.  On every stump there seemed to be a tear where the pruning knife had cut away the growth of early spring.  The poor bush seemed to speak to him, and he thought he heard it say:

     "'Oh, how could you be so cruel to me; you who claim to be my friend, who planted and cared for me when I was young, and nurtured and encouraged me to grow?  Could you not see that I was rapidly responding to your care?  I was nearly half as large as the trees across the fence, and might soon have become like one of them.  But now you've cut my branches back; the green, attractive leaves are gone, and I am in disgrace among my fellows."
     'The young gardener looked at the weeping bush and heard its plea with sympathetic understanding.  His voice was full of kindness as he said, "Do not cry; what I have done to you was necessary that you might be a prize currant bush in my garden.  You were not intended to give shade or shelter by your branches.  My purpose when I planted you was that you should bear fruit.  When I want currants, a tree, regardless of its size, cannot supply the need.

     '"No, my little currant bush, if I had allowed you to continue to grow as you had started, all your strength would have gone to wood; your roots would not have gained a firm hold, and the purpose for which I brought you into my garden would have been defeated.  Your place would have been taken by another, for you would have been barren.  You must not weep, all this will be for your own good; and some day, when you see more clearly, when you are richly laden with luscious fruit, you will thank me and say, 'Surely, he was a wise and loving gardener.  He knew the purpose of my being, and I thank him now for what I then thought was cruelty.'"'
     The irony that I would have 'been barren' and that in order to 'bear fruit' as the Lord has planned means the cutting of motherhood from my life is not lost on me.  I don't know what my life would have been had motherhood gone exactly as I had expected it to.  But I can see the growth in my life in places that, I realize, started with the pain of the pruning.  And though I want to be a mother, I want to be the kind of person the Lord is making me into even more.  I'm reminded of words from the hymn, "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul":

Chasten my soul so I shall be

In perfect harmony with Thee.

Make me more worthy of Thy love

And fit me for the life above.

     I'm thankful that the Lord has helped ease my heartache though he has not taken away the trial which causes it.  Maybe one day I'll be able to 'submit cheerfully and with patience'' instead of 'grumbling and half resentfully accept' this pruning, and who knows, perhaps this struggle will be lifted someday as well.

Spring

   It's Spring!  I love this season.  Every year I look forward to the end of winter and to the start of something new.

My street in the spring

Things I love about spring:

     - hearing birds chirping in the trees, even before I get out of bed

     - more light, more warmth

     - rain that washes away the last of winter and brings growth

     - green: grass, leaves, sprouts

     - rainbows

     - blossoms on the trees

     - flowers

Harper and Me

     Spring is symbolic of beginnings and hope; an end to the cold and dark and a start of new life.  I was reminded of life again this week as I babysat my 2 month old niece, Harper.  Her life is so new and unblemished and there's so much for her to learn and experience.  

     Sometimes I feel so old and jaded and I'd like to experience newness, life and hope inside myself again.  I want to be able to believe in good things coming, just as the trees and flowers wait for the end of winter so they can bloom again.  We know that spring comes every year, that bad times don't last forever, but sometimes we still doubt.  I'm reminded of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's words a couple of weeks ago as he spoke and reminded us: "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited...When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes...The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue- it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know."

Mom and Annie watching conference with me

     I love the feeling of hope this conveys.  And as I try in this new season to renew my faith and recognize my conviction to make the internal changes I need, holding strong to the faith that I have, I'll need to be patient and compassionate with those around me and also with myself.  "So be kind regarding human frailty- your own as well as those who serve with you...Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with.  That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it...When you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work...When the infinite fullness is poured forth, it is not the oil's fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can't quite contain it all.  Those finite vessels include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

     I'm excited to see what new experiences will be brought to me this season of renewal and of growing, of new chapters opening in my life as old ones end.

Life's Book

No matter what else you are doing,

From cradle days through to the end,

You are writing your life's secret story,

Each night sees another page penned.

Each month ends a thirty-page chapter;

Each year, the end of a part;

And never an act is misstated,

Nor even a wish of the heart.

Each morn when you wake, the book opens,

Revealing a page clean and white;

What thoughts and what words and what doings

Will cover its surface by night!

God leaves that to you- you the writer-

And never one words will grow dim

Until someday you write the word "finish"

And give back your life's book to Him.

Author Unknown

Ties That Bind

     Today is all about the 'sibs'.  I grew up in a family of 6 kids.   I've talked about Amy and I was second oldest.  But even though I've talked about the others in my blog past, I thought I'd make the official introductions.

Michael 

Mike is the siblings just younger than me.  We're 18 months apart.  We fought like cats and dogs (verbally and physically) as children.  Honestly, I'm not sure why our mom didn't kill us.  We were both strongly opinionated and both stubborn.  Thank heavens we grew up and realized how stupid we were.  Mike's an electrician.  Right now he's helping my mom figure out how to remodel her house (he's already done his own) and he'll do some of the work (the rest of us will chip in as well).  He has a girlfriend, Wendy, and a 2 month old baby, Harper (or as I think of her 'Cutiepie').  Mike has always been ambitious and sure of who he was and what he wanted.  He's good with money and is responsible.  He's always been popular with the guys and with the ladies too.  But he's a homebody now.  He loves being a dad and he's a good one.  He's always wanting to know how I'm doing and cares about his family.  Nickname from Dad: Mook (don't ask, I have no idea where Dad got some of our nicknames).



Paul 

This handsome guy is Paul.  Paul was always a very good and quiet kid.  He was a towhead as a toddler and was so darn cute (that kind of sounds like I'm saying he's not now, which is not true, he's just not toddler cute anymore)!  He's very smart.  He knows a lot about various subjects that interest him including snakes and history.  Watch out if you play Jeopardy with him (or with Allie for that matter), he'll cream you.  He also loves all kinds of sports.  He's the the brother you find waking up at 3am because the Australian Open starts then on ESPN.  He likes watching golf, football (die hard Saints fan) and basketball as well as soccer and tennis.  He works for the state finance department.  Paul is  still a quiet individual.  He doesn't complain a lot or confide a lot in people, but he's very funny and is great with kids.  Paul hates desserts, or anything with sugar for that matter.  Sadly, on this subject he and I differ very much (truthfully, sometimes I wish I hated them like he does), but I think in some ways I'm more like Paul than my other siblings.  Nickname from dad: Paul-e-wog



Alyson 

Allie is my younger sister.  She was always so adorable as a little girl: big brown eyes and curly, curly brown hair!  I always thought she was the prettiest one of us.  She resembles Amy in small ways and has always felt a little bit in her shadow, like people compare them.  But she's a very different person.  Allie was the one who always got picked on by the boys, since I was bigger than them growing up and now Reed and Lyle have joined in the fun (they can't help it, the way she reacts really makes it fun for them).  Allie is probably the smartest of us as well, though I do think that all of my siblings are intelligent.  She has always had her head on straight and knew exactly where she was going.  She did well academically and is the world traveler in our family.  She went on a mission to Romania and spent two years in Korea teaching school.  While there she had a chance to visit Nepal, Japan and other places.  She now lives in Boston where she has just finished getting her master's degree in library sciences and archival technology.  She's working 3 part time jobs right now looking for a full time job in her field.  She loves going new places, meeting new people and learning different things, but we're still her favs out of all the people she knows!  (Right, Allie?)  Nickname from dad: Ketchup (like I said, I have no idea!)


Kurt 

Kurt is the baby of the family.  Kurt is one big ball o'fun.  He always has a hug and a smile for his peeps (of which I consider myself one).  He was a riot as a kid, kind of spazy but really fun and inventive.  Currently employed with Ebay, Kurt is a pro in the Fraud division.  He's a music connoisseur and agrees with me that the Beatles are the bomb.  He likes vinyl albums.  He's started growing facial hair young and could grow a beard before Paul could, but he has a small patch of white hair in his left sideburn that's always been there.  Kurt is another good uncle and sometimes I really admire his good humor when he doesn't mind Annie jumping on him, even though she's way too big now (though I must say she doesn't do it very often anymore).  He's a Green Bay Packer fan and along with Paul loves REAL Salt Lake games.  Kurt has a ton of fun nicknames.  The one from dad was Kurt the Squirt, but he's also been called Kurtle, Kquatty (I don't know if I spelled that right), Kurtis Cowboy and Annie has joined in the fun with her newest one: Kurt-esy Cone.  I just know he LOVES all these terms of endearment!  I have a feeling he'd also respond to 'the Man'.  Yeah, we know Kurt, you really ARE the Man!



These are my bros and my sister.  We're all very different but I'm so thankful for them and I love the fact that though we live different lives, we have a genuine deep love for each other and sincerely enjoy being together.  I love you guys!

Lessons to Follow Before Entering Parenthood

Our adoption agency gave us some material to read about adoption and infertility etc., and I found and article entitled: 'Thinking of Having Kids?  Follow These Lessons Before You Enter Parenthood.'  They're so funny!  Here's my favorite ones:

Lesson One:
1. Find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their
     a. Method for discipline
     b. Lack of patience
     c. Appallingly low tolerance levels
     d. Allowing their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
3. Enjoy your last time doing this.

Lesson Two:
1. Smear Peanut Butter onto the sofa and some jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed and then rub them on the clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with Crayon.

Lesson Three:
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Lesson Four:
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it on the glove compartment of your car.  Leave it there.
2. Get a dime.  Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of your car.  There.  Perfect!

Lesson Five:
1. Go to the local supermarket.
2. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschooler, a full grown goat is excellent.
3. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
4. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
5. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.


Lesson Six:
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap.
7. Throw the other half up in the air.

Lesson Seven:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher ('The Nanny') saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four second delay between each "Mommy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Eight:
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, jeans or elbow while playing the tape made from the previous lesson.

Lesson Nine:
1. Find a large tomcat and a pitbull.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bull in the front seat.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the car seat.

Okay, NOW YOU'RE READY!!


Whew!  They sound pretty intense.  I wonder what actually trying to do these would be like...probably like being a parent!

25 Things I Hope My Kids Learn

1. When you feel sorry for yourself, look around and help someone else
2. Honor your father and mother
3. Little choices make you who you are
4. Take a nap if you're ornery
5. There is no room-cleaning fairy
6. Be patient with people, even the stupid and/or mean ones
7. Listen to the still small voice
8. There is joy in the journey
9. It's okay to ask for help
10. My body is a temple
11. When you're helping, you're happy
12. Play fair
13. If I change my thoughts, I change my actions
14. Don't take things that aren't yours
15. Stand for what is right, even if you stand alone
16. You don't have to agree with someone to get along with them
17. If you need an answer: search, ponder and pray
18. You'll never know unless you try
19. When you need a break, take one
20. Flush the toilet
21. Humility is strength
22. All I can do is all I can do, and all I can do is enough
23. Smell the roses
24. I can entertain myself
25. I believe in Christ