I Dreamed a Dream

First thing's first.  There's something to celebrate!  No, it's not what you think.  Almost as good, though.  I got my first speeding ticket in 13 years today!  Yeah!  Isn't that great?  Thankfully the officer was funny and personable and not bad to look at (don't get me wrong, he's no Lyle but what girl isn't a sucker for a guy in uniform?) and he only gave me a ticket for going 5 over instead of 8.  What a guy!  Send any congratulatory presents (preferably cash) to me and I'll put your name on my blog under The Laura Speeding Ticket Fund donors list.   Donations can also be made to The Laura Needs a New Root Canal Since The One She Had 13 Years Ago Has Gotten Reinfected Fund since that was yesterday's fantastic news (what are the odds that my last speeding ticket and root canal happened in the same year and now I get to pay for new ones at the same time?).

     Okay, onto the real reason for blogging today.  Dreams.  Ever had a weird dream and you can't for the life of you figure out where it came from?  A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I was chosen to play Joseph in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat even though I A) am a girl and B) didn't audition in the first place.  Wow, I must be really good for them to overlook those two big obstacles!  Broadway, here I come!
     This made me think of other dreams that I've had.  Unfortunately, I can't remember that many of them anymore, but I did come up with a couple of good ones.  I also collected a couple of Annie's and I remember a couple of my sister Amy's dreams that she had when she was a kid.  Hmmm...I haven't told you a lot about Amy yet, have I?  Maybe I'll blog about her next week.

Picture it something like this only bigger

     To continue, here's some fun dreams.  I'll mix them up and I'll let you guess who had which dream.  I'll tell you at the end who did which one.  That way it's a game too!

Dream #1: This dream starts out with a young girl waking up and going to school.  But this girl had way cool transportation.  She was riding to school on a giant rubber band.  Yes, you heard me.  Just bouncing along down the road on a giant rotating rubber band.  This young girl realized that she had the power in her dreams to change something so she changed the rubber band into a horse.  It only took her seconds to realize that riding a giant rubber band is way cooler and she changed it back.

Dream #2: In this dream, the young girl's parents were buying a new car and the saleswoman asked this girl's brother if he wanted to play a video game while he waited.  Of course the answer was yes.  She took him into the building and up in the elevator to the video game room without even asking this young girl if she wanted to play too.  So the girl goes to the elevator which apparently has many buttons to push and she has no idea which one to push so she just chooses one at random. Out comes an inflatable spaceship from the elevator shaft which starts carrying the young girl upwards to the video game room but before she could talk to her brother or the saleswoman (why wasn't this saleswoman selling a car instead of playing video games?  I guess we'll never know) the spaceship popped and down she goes.  Out of the elevator now comes a flying dragon which flies the young girl back down (why not up to the video game room?) where she pushes another button and this time a gigantic aerosol deodorant bottle flies out and carries the girl up to the video game room.  I bet you've always wanted to fly a deodorant bottle, at least almost as much as a gigantic rubber band.

Dream #3: In pencil drawing a girl and her sister and mom are driving in their car along the freeway.  On the sides cartoons are singing and dancing (kinda like toon town in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?') except there was no sound.  Then a big hole opens up in the freeway and the whole car falls into it.  Inside the hole sound and color are restored but the car has disappeared.  It's an underground cavern with a pedestal and a fishbowl with a fish in it on the far side of the room.  Out of a tunnel clunks a pirate, eye patch and parrot on the shoulder and all, who looks at the girl, and her mother and sister and says, "Argh, if you want to go on one of you must wrestle the whale, mateys."  He points to the fishbowl in which is swimming a tiny whale.  The girl's mom volunteers and the whale jumps out of the fishbowl, grows to huge size and the girl's mother starts wrestling on the ground with it.  As if this were normal, the girl and her sister leave their whale wrestling mother and go down the hall where a number of doors are attached.  In each room they become something different.  The first room is decorated like an old west saloon where the girls are turned into cowboys and have some sort of adventure before the leave and go to the next room which is blue and has lots of bubbles and flowers and they turn to fairies.  The last room is puke green with a mud floor and the turn into martians and run around the room (where they can walk on the walls and ceiling) as the mud floor rises and almost drowns them.  They escape the room and the dream ends.

Here's a drawing of a yogurt person and vampire

Dream #4: Black fades to pick and blue.  There were people in this dream...but not people like you and me.  They were yogurt people.  Half blue (blueberry?) and half pink (strawberry?) with a thick black line down the middle separating the two separate yogurt halves.  There were also vampires in this dream who sucked yogurt instead of blood.  The young girl runs away from the vampires into a room where she's followed by a yogurt princess.  The vampires find the pair in this room (they came to get the girl) and the young girl callously volunteers them to eat the yogurt princess instead.

Dream #5: In this dream the little girl was a little scrawny boy who lived in an orphanage which was yellow and in the middle of a muddy field with dead trees.  This little boy found out that the terminator was coming to get him.  In fact, he could see him coming down the road  (he must have been a John Connor type character).  This little boy tries to get away from the orphanage to save himself but there's too much mud and he gets stuck multiple times.  The terminator of course is not having the mud problem.  The boy gets out in the dead woods behind the house and is trying to get away and the terminator can almost reach the boy before the girl wakes up thankful to be alive with no terminator trying to kill her.

Dream #6: Burt and Ernie from sesame street are in this dream.  It didn't last long.  Burt was a vampire and was chasing Ernie all over the room to try to suck his blood but Ernie was running away.  This one scared the little girl a lot and she cried after she woke up.

Happy dreams!

Answers: 1- Amy, 2- Annie, 3- Laura, 4- Annie, 5- Laura, 6- Amy.

Let's Go to the Movies Part 2

Today's selections are from the action/adventure genre.  This really can touch on a lot of different subcategories: martial arts, fantasy, western, spy stories, suspense, literary interpretations and so much more.  Here are some of my favorites:

     1. The Mummy- 1999 Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz and John Hannah as the hilarious and slightly cowardly brother.  This movie, based on the 1932 film of the same name (starring Boris Karloff) is about a studious and clumsy librarian and her brother who join an adventurer and inadvertently wake a mummy named Imhotep who sucks the life out of those he meets in order to rejuvenate so he can perform a ritual and awake his long dead love.  Comedy, romance, mistaken identity, magic, lots of action, a handsome hero and a gross mummy.  Who could ask for more?
     2. Labyrinth- 1986 a young Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie as the goblin king.  Sarah is left watching her baby brother Toby who won't stop crying and says that she wishes the goblins would come take him away.  Bam!  King Jareth of the goblins, in love with Sarah, makes her wish a reality and in order to get her brother back she must get all the way through a labyrinth to Jareth's castle by midnight.  She meets different characters along the way: gentle giant Ludo, Sir Didymus the knight who aids her quest and of course Hoggle, the grumpy dwarf who ends up helping her even though he's been threatened by the goblin king.  I'll never forget the Bog of Eternal Stench, the oubliette, the goblin king's song and of course the line she finally utters to Jareth to break his spell: you have no power over me.  I first saw this one at a girl scout sleep over.  Loved the movie, hated the sleepover.  'Nuff said.

     3.Knight and Day- 2010 Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz.  Roy Miller is the coolest spy.  Good looking, saves people's lives, owns his own tropical island and knows how to dismantle a bomb in the pitch black with nothing but a safety pin and a Junior Mint.  A woman named June gets mixed up with Roy when she gets on a flight where she's not supposed to be.  While she's in the bathroom, Roy kills all the other passengers (don't worry they only number a few and all of them are bad guys) and accidentally shoots one pilot who shoots the other leaving only June and Roy alive.  Roy is required to land the plane and drugs June who wakes up in her own bed.  But that's not the end of the adventure, oh no!  I love how calm Tom Cruise's character is about everything.  My favorite moment is when June, having been drugged (again), wakes up just enough to see she's in a strange room and has been captured.  Roy is swinging upside down with his hands behind his back and is assuring her calmly that everything's going to be okay, he'll get them out of there.  And he's right.
     4. Adventures in Babysitting- 1987 Elisabeth Shue stars as Chris, a girl who instead of going out on a date with her "so cool" boyfriend Brad, gets stuck babysitting a teen who has a crush on her, his obnoxious best friend and a young girl, Sarah, who hero worships Thor.  Chris's friend Brenda calls.  She's run away from home and is at the bus depot downtown with a bunch of creepy people and needs Chris to come and get her.  They all pile into the car but on the way they get a flat tire.  A series of misadventures happens including getting in the middle of a gang fight, being in a vehicle while it's hijacked, a man with a hook hand who scares the kids in more than one way, singing the blues at a nightclub, escaping from a chopshop by walking an iron beam high in the air, seeing Chris's boyfriend two timing her, being mistaken for a playboy bunny and Sarah being stuck outside the window of a skyscraper.  Who knew babysitting was this hard?  It's definitely not for wimps.  Did anyone else memorize the song and dance that Chris performs in her bedroom at the beginning of the movie?  I bet some of you did, even if you don't admit it!

     5. True Grit- 2010 Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Hailee Steinfeld who does an amazing job playing Mattie Ross, a girl who's out for vengeance for her father's murder.  Based on the 1969 John Wayne movie, this one packs a lot of punch.  It's an emotional roller coaster as this determined girl hires Rooster Cogburn, an alcoholic and morally questionable Marshall to help her find her father's murderer.  They are joined by Matt Damon's character who is also on the trail of the same man.  Neither of the men are really happy about taking a child with them but Mattie is determined to see justice done herself and will not listen when they tell her what she can and cannot do because she is a young female.  Along the way the group finds a lot of obstacles and just when it seems like they'll never find their man, he kidnaps Mattie and tries to kill her.  She, of course, is rescued but not without injury.  It's fascinating to see the relationship of this hardened old guy and this strong young woman change over the course of their journey.  A warning: this movie is PG-13 but there is a few graphic violent parts.  Don't watch with young children.

     6. Pirates of the Caribbean- 2003 Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly.  Who can forget the sight of Captain Jack Sparrow as he sails a sinking ship into the dock?  Or skeletons walking across the ocean bottom to capture a ship?  Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski bring us a new (well, maybe not so new NOW) swashbuckler.  Captain Jack and Will Turner search for the kidnapped daughter of the governor, Elizabeth Swan, whom Will is in love with.  She's been captured by the fearsome Captain Barbossa, Jack Sparrow's former first mate who led the crew to mutiny not knowing that they had been put under a curse and would need Jack's help to undo it.  Jack is only wanting his pirate ship, The Black Pearl, back in his possession.  He, Will and Elizabeth defeat the pirates, break the curse and kill Captain Barbossa.  Will learns about his pirate father and how to express how he feels to Elizabeth and Jack is saved from being hanged for being a pirate and sails away on the Black Pearl.  What a fun movie!

   7. Jason Bourne- Matt Damon.  The Bourne Identity (2002) started out this series of movies about a man named Jason Bourne who is pulled out of the water with two bullets in him and wakes up with amnesia and a bank account number in his hip.  Jason realizes that he possesses a very select set of skills.  He meets Marie who gives him a ride to Paris.  He is pursued by assassins and he finally finds out that he is a rogue operative that the CIA is trying to track down and kill.  Matt Damon stars in three Bourne movies.  The last installment, The Bourne Legacy, stars Jeremy Renner (who I really like) as an agent in a different program who is also pursued.  Action in these movies is intense and fast paced.  Lost of martial arts and car chases.  People die.  But not Jason Bourne.  He takes a licking and keeps on ticking!

     8. A Series of Unfortunate Events- 2004 Emily Browning, Liam Aiken and Jim Carrey as the horridly evil Count Olaf.  This film is based on the first three books of A Series of Unfortunate Events (go figure!).  The stories follow the Baudelaire orphans.  Violet, the oldest is an inventor.  Claus the middle child reads and remembers everything.  Sunny the youngest likes to bite things.  Their journeys are chronicled by the mysterious Lemony Snicket as they find out that their parents perished in a fire that destroyed their mansion.  They're sent to live with Count Olaf who turns out to be after the children's money and after he tries to kill them, they are transferred to the care of Uncle Monty who is a herpitologist, and then Aunt Josephine, who has so many phobias it's insane (I mean really, who would be afraid that if you stand next to the refrigerator it will fall and crush you to death?).  Each time they are placed in a new, strange home Count Olaf comes after them.  It's a strange little story and I absolutely love the absurdity of some of the situations.  There are some very profound lines which make you think as well.
     9. Avatar- 2009 Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana and Sigourney Weaver.  The planet Pandora has been discovered some who-knows-how-many millions  of miles away and the humans have found a very useful mineral/metal that they want which is only found on this planet.  Marine Jake Sully, a parapalegic, is recruited to go to Pandora in his murdered twin brother's place and is inducted into the avatar program with the understanding that he's to convince the native people to relocate so the mineral under their home tree can be mined.  In exchange he will receive the ability to walk again.  The native race, the Na'vi, are reticent to have much to do with the Skypeople, but Grace, the doctor in charge of the avatar program has found a way to create living bodies combining the DNA of humans with that of Na'vi to make the Avatar bodies that Jake and his fellow colleagues use to get close to the Na'vi people.  Jake ends up being accepted and trained by the tribe and finds himself falling in love with Neytiri, the tribal chief's daughter and has to decide whether to be true to his own cruel race or to accept his new family and save them if he can.  Stunning visual effects make you feel like you've literally traveled to Pandora with it's scary creatures and beautiful scenery.  A long movie, but worth it.
     10. The Italian Job- 2003 Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland, Jason Statham, Seth Green, Mos Def and Edward Norton.  Based loosely on the 1969 movie of the same name, Mark Wahlberg plays Charlie Crocker, leader of a rag tag but very skilled group of thieves who have found where the traitor of their group currently lives.  Steve had stolen all the gold they took together doing the Italian job and killed their leader played by Donald Sutherland.  Now that the team and Stella, the murdered leader's daughter have found him, they want to make him pay.  Charlie is the idea man. There's a demolitions expert, a hacker, a safe cracker, and 'Handsome Rob' who supplies transportation.  This movie brought Mini Coopers back into style.  Wish I could drive like that!
     11. Sneakers- 1992 Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, David Strathairn, Dan Aykroyd, Mary McDonnell, River Phoenix (could it be? yes it could!) and a cameo by James Earl Jones.  Dr. Gunter Janek has found a way to break down impossibly huge codes and has wired it into a little black box.  Too bad Martin Bishop and his group of misfit lawbreakers turned security specialists didn't know that before they got tricked into taking it in exchange for pardons for their past misdeeds.  Now they're trying not to get killed from a group of people headed by Martin's old buddy who he let take the wrap for their hacking into government websites and was consequently sent to prison and now works for organized crime.  They want the little black box, but so do other government organizations.  How do they get out of this situation with their lives?  This movie is 20 years old and technology has changed greatly in this time, but even though this movie is outdated, it's still good fun listening to Crease and Mother argue, hearing Martin get advice from Whistler who is blind about how to figure out (by the sounds he heard) where he was taken in the trunk of a car and laugh at Carl's desperate desire for true love.  Add in Martin's old girlfriend helping the group out and it's a recipe for a good time.
   12. Six Days, Seven Nights- 1998 Harrison Ford (hubba, hubba) and Anne Heche.  Robin Monroe, an executive for a glamour magazine in New York is taken on a vacation with her boyfriend to a tropical Southern Pacific island flown there by Quinn Harris and his trampy but sweet assistant/sort of girlfriend.  While there she gets a call from work to go to Tahiti and pays Quinn to fly her there.  They do not like each other.  And just their luck, a storm rolls in and they have to make an emergency landing on a deserted island where the airplane breaks a wheel and they are now stranded.  As they learn to stay alive and not kill each other, they end up falling in love.  Meanwhile, back at the resort their significant others have a search and rescue team looking for them and they finally give them up for dead.  On the island, Robin and Quinn have different adventures including a snake swimming up Robin's pants, meeting murdering pirates and working to fix the plane to get them mobile again.  They're able to escape from the pirates just in the nick of time but can they go back to the lives they led before now that they've changed?  My favorite lines:  'You're a lousy pilot!  I've flown with you twice and you've crashed half the time!' and 'Aren't you one of those guys?  You know, those guys with skills?  You send them out into the wilderness with a pocket knife and a Q-tip and the build you a shopping mall.  You can't do that?'

Pregnancy: Fact or Fiction

Let's have fun with this one!  I've learned as an infertile that if you can't make fun and laugh, you cry a lot more.  Go figure!

From the confidential files of Laura, P.I. (Pregnancy Investigator)

The only source of knowledge is experience. -Albert Einstein

For the last five years I have been investigating the cause of this phenomenon called 'pregnancy'.  Being desirous myself to experience this certain privilege I have given all my knowledge and skill to attain this end.  My journey hast led me to some interesting truths.  According to the genius Albert Einstein himself, knowledge is gained from experience.  Thus I have learned one astonishing fact from my experiences: Unprotected sex does NOT lead to pregnancy!  What a mind-blowing concept!  And I'm very put out that this conspiracy still is believed today (as far as the pregnancy conspiracy, exactly how do I learn the secret handshake?).  Read further to learn my discarded and still possible theories of how pregnancy happens and whether it is truly fact.  Or is it fiction?

Debunked theories:

1. The Handstand/Bicycle Method 

My first theories still clung to the possibility of pregnancy through the traditional method (if not by itself then by slight adjustments).  And so, one of the first methods I tried to enhance my chances was this method.  I spent the first 3 years with my bum up in the air one way or another, every other day for 30 minutes or so (minutes decreasing as time went on and I became suspicious that this method did not actually help).

Result: does not lead to pregnancy

2. Relax and you'll get pregnant

Still relying on enhancing the traditional method.  Taking multiple vacations was fun.  Massages, date nights, relaxing music, mediation, candles: all wonderful ways to wind down and enjoy being with your husband.

Result: does not lead to pregnancy

3.The Birds and the Bees

Convetional methods failing.  I've decided to open my mind to new thoughts.  I'm not sure who coined the phrase 'the birds and the bees' in the first place, but genetically speaking, it's not possible to get a baby from any sort of combination of a bird and a bee.  Just look at this couple.  They are a bird and a bee and still can't get pregnant.

Results: does not lead to pregnancy

4. The 'Magic' Wand

After traditionally enhanced methods failed, I next investigated medical procedures.  This included going to 3 different doctors, 4 different fertility meds, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, blood draws for hormone tests, about 7 different semen analysis including a Kruger test (test done with a guinea pig egg- don't ask), a painful hysterosalpingogram (flushing of the fallopian tubes, but hey at least they doped me up on valium before hand), an HCG shot and numerous ultrasounds.  That's where the the wand comes in.  This wand, donned by my fairy God-R.E. (reproductive endochronologist), was  used in ultrasounds (which are not done from the outside).  Uncomfortable, you lay there while you are searched for diagnosis, pending ovulation, problem solving or hopefully signs of a baby.  Come on, doc, give me the good news!  Did this 'magic' wand help me in my pregnancy quest? No, but it found the next best thing: ovarian cysts the size of grapefruits!  Oh joy!  

Result: does not lead to pregnancy

5. I.U.I.

This is fertility code for Intrauterine Insemination, better known as artificial insemination.  Take something from hubby, wash it in special solution, cut out as many bad sperm as you can and stick in a syringe with hubby's name labeled on it (I guess that makes sense to prevent switching samples, but I thought it was weird the first time I had to sign that this was my husband's syringe and sperm).  Next step involves a long tube and me on a table.  I made Lyle stay with me.  I just thought it would be weird knowing it was possible for a woman to get me pregnant while my husband wasn't even in the room.  $400 bucks a pop (not including the semen analysis) and 4 failures.  Did you say I.U.I.?  I think I heard I.O.U.!

Result: does not lead to pregnancy

6. In the Water

Medical methods not bringing anticipated results.  Starting to branch out.  Everyone at work is pregnant.  People say it's in the water.  I may not have actually drunk out of a pregnant woman's cup but I made dang sure to drink from the same water cooler.  People in the ward pregnant, go to their houses and drink their tap/refrigerator water.

Result: does not lead to pregnancy

Pending Theory

1. Adoption

I've heard: adopt and you'll get pregnant.  Many things wrong with this sentence.  For starters, if you adopt, that precludes the need to get pregnant in the first place.  Also, the reason to adopt is to receive a child and just because that child is not your genetic material does not make it less important than a biological child, which is the implication attached to this method of getting pregnant.  This method may not result in MY pregnancy per se, but we've moved beyond the standard measures.  Adoption has wonderful opportunities and we're excited to have this chance to try and increase our family in another way.

Possible As Yet Unexamined Theories

1. Embryonic Adoption

The adopting of embryos donated by couples who have tried IVF and have remaining embryos which they will not use.  Implanted, you have still have a chance to experience pregnancy, but the child will not be your biological material.  Who cares?  I'll take anything I can get at this point.

Conventional methods have failed.  Mind is now broadened to accept ANY possibility.  These are the fun ones, folks!

2. Pre-Installation

When you're infertile it seems as though everyone in the world is pregnant except for you.  I had a friend who once had to go to 4 different grocery lines so she didn't have to stand behind a pregnant woman.  But really this is too much!  When did Barbie get pregnant?  And more importantly HOW?  And how is it possible to be THIS jealous if an inanimate object?  Do I need to talk to the manufacturers?  How do I get the pre-installation pregnancy feature?  Is it even possible in humans?

3. The Goalie

In announcing her pregnancy, my brother's girlfriend use the following phrase: Mike has slipped one past the goalie!  What goalie?  Since when did soccer and/or hockey have anything to do with getting pregnant...and where is this 'special' goalie located?  Is it expensive to fly there?  Do I need cleats? How much should I practice?  Does Lyle have to be the one to 'slip one by'?  Is there a screening process to determine the worthy candidates for a try at the pregnancy goalie?  Send any info on this mysterious 'Goalie' to me.  PLEASE!

4. The Stork

It is not know when this theory originally came about, but it has been discussed much and is the subject of scientific research such as in this fascinating article : New Evidence for the Theory of the Stork .  I love that research into alternate theories is being looked into.  It implies that I am not the only one who's experience has lead to the possibility of a delivery system other than the reigning acceptable theory of the modern age.  My questions of this theory are those of wanting to know how to get on the stork's delivery list and if you can get to the top of it faster by any means.  I would accept any delivery from the stork, even if, like Dumbo my child had ears that could receive the Disney channel, or some other abnormality.  I'm not picky.

5. The Accident

How many times have I heard the phrase: We didn't meant to get pregnant.  It was an accident.  What kind of accident are they talking about?  Is it painful?  Should I join a crash dummy school for preparation?  Or is it an accident like saying the wrong thing such as: 'I don't want a baby' and then POOF said baby appears by accident?  And if I try to replicate an accident on purpose will it then still be categorically speaking an 'accident'?  Some women have told me that this accident involves alcohol and getting drunk.  Since this kind of accident goes against my moral principles, I'll have to forgo this particular aspect of it.  Maybe if I pretend to act like I'm drunk?  That doesn't sound really fun either.  I've never had a deep desire to wear a lampshade over my head and still recall the incident the next day.  More research into this theory is needed.

6. Is stealing really THAT bad?

A girl I was friends with in junior high had quadruplets.  QUADRUPLETS!  That's 4 babies at one time!  Does anyone really NEED that many babies at once?  Would they really miss one?  I mean REALLY?  This is not the first time I've thought of bending the Thou Shalt Not Steal rule.  We're constantly at places with cute babies and it is not infrequent for me to laugh and flirt with the baby then turn to my husband and say in a low voice so the parents can't hear: "You know how it works.  I create the distraction, you take the baby."  We have yet to actually put this plan into action.  The time I had to try hardest not to was one night when I and the other girls in my infertility support group were exiting the building and a woman walks right on by us with twins in a stroller.  I know one thought was going through each of our minds: there's 5 of us and 1 of her.  I don't think that woman realized how much danger she was in that night.  At least I know I'm not the first person who's thought of this possibility for the acquiring of a little rugrat.

7.  Baby Stores

There used to be a store a mile or two from our house called 'Hector's Baby Store'.  I didn't think twice about this name until one day Annie said it out loud.  Lightbulb!  Could it be?  Are there really stores from which you can buy babies?  I asked Lyle to pull over so I could investigate.  He refused, laughing off the idea as preposterous.  But is it?  Can you walk into 'Babies R Us' and pull a secret lever or say a code word and you're shown into the backroom where you can either buy a baby right there or at least order one specifically for you?  Makes you think.

8. The Space Launch

This is a brand new theory I had never heard of before.  Is there a map that shows the exact location the parachutes will land?  If not, how much do I have to pay to get to Babylandia?  I could stand a 9 month space trip if the following was the result (well, maybe not the baby panda- I'm thinking along the lines of an actual human baby).

End of current theories.  Whatever the results of my investigations produce, it is certain that there is not one simple explanation for pregnancy or how to receive a baby of your own.  Further studies will be needed to unravel the possible myth of pregnancy.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way

Just a small post to relay some random fun and silly stories.

     Yesterday I went on a morning walk with my friend Holly.  As we went outside I patted my pockets looking for my sunglasses.  Holly told me they were on top of my head.  We both laughed.  Fast forward a half hour to when we returned.  I told her I thought she was awesome and I should know because I'm smart.  Her response: "You couldn't even find your sunglasses.  How smart can you be?"

Touche.  You won this round!  Seriously, how can you argue with that?  I still think she's pretty great though.

     One time a couple of years ago Lyle, the kids and I were in the car on our way to get frozen yogurt.  As we parked the car and got out Taylor was lagging a little behind.  I asked him to hurry up.  Annie had heard a new word recently and decided to try it out right then.  "Yeah, coagulate Taylor!"  Lyle and I just stopped and looked at her and started laughing.  Annie's really good at laughing at herself and she wasn't offended.  I asked her if she knew what the word 'coagulate' meant and I told her it's meaning.  I still have no idea where she heard it and why she thought that word meant 'hurry up'.  It's something we still tease her about today.

     My most embarrassing moment was in the 12th grade.  I was on the Dance Company and we were practicing after school one day for the Make A Wish Foundation concert we were doing the following night. There had to be 50-60 people there.  At this particular moment people were just milling around talking and mingling.  It was pretty loud.  I decided to practice my pirouettes...and pirouetted right off the stage onto the lowered orchestra pit which got an up close and personal meeting with my face.  The entire auditorium went silent as soon as I hit and I tried to play it off like everything was okay.  SO embarrassing!  I was SO lucky.  I didn't split my chin open or crack a bone or break my nose or anything.  I did however have a black bruise on my chin for about a month and at the end of the year the girls on the dance team gave me an action figure with a parachute for my end of the year gift.  Haha.  Very Funny!  No really!

     When we are in the car we sometimes play I spy with the kids.  One day it was Taylor's turn and he said, "I spy with my eye, something that starts with a C."  We guessed and guessed.  And got them all wrong.  Finally when we gave up he told us that he had chosen "Kennecot Copper Mine".  Lyle and I started laughing as we told him it started with a K not a C.  He laughed along with us.  Then it was Lyle's turn and he  picked something that started with an S.  Annie thought it would be funny to guess "Sennesot Sopper Sine."  It was.  We laughed pretty hard.  Even Tayor, though I think he was a bit embarrassed.

     Last week I went for a walk with Holly (I know another walk story, I must be extra embarrassing around her or something) and in coming back from our walk we stood talking by the door.  I wasn't looking when Holly pushed the handicapped button which makes the door open automatically.  It came about an inch from my face before I realized it was there.  I did avert the door/face disaster, but just barely.  I laughed so hard!

Good times.

What do you laugh about?

A Day in the Life of Laura

     Thought I'd let you know what things happen in my life.  Times are approximated.

Thursday
6am Wake up (sort of) and get out of bed
6:10am Eat breakfast- cereal
6:15am Get irritated at Lyle's breakfast eating noises (poor guy, I'm a grump in the mornings)
6:20am Braid my hair
6:30am Get dressed for work- d'oh! I tore a belt loop!
6:45am Do  makeup
6:55am Hug and kiss Lyle good bye
7am At work
7:05am Logged on, do some computer and box work
7:30am Check facebook and see that the cover photo I had selected had inadvertently led people to believe I was either pregnant or adopting a baby
7:31am Write an explanation telling people that I'm not having a baby and change cover photo, log out of facebook (I hate facebook today)
7:32am Go to bathroom and cry
7:35am Put on a happy face and check the mirror to see if my eyes are too red, find grey hair
7:36am Pluck offending grey hair
7:37am Back at desk working again
7:38am Email Katie about traumatic morning event
7:39am Call mom and Lyle to check in, tell them both about traumatic morning event
7:50am Working again, good thing (helps distract me and I feel much better)
9am Morning walk with Holly (we get 1/2 hour to exercise 3 days a week, my friend  Holly and I go outside and walk)
9:30am Come back from walk, Holly pushes the handicapped button for the door to open automatically and I don't realize it, almost get hit in the face with the door
9:31am Back to my desk, laughing loudly at myself (the laughing helps me feel better too)
9:32am More computer and box work, eat fruit snacks
10:30am Staff meeting
11am Data entry section needs help; log on and do data entry of tax returns
12pm Lunch break, go home for lunch since I only live 5 minutes away- eggs and sausage and OJ for lunch
12:30pm Back at work
1:15pm Head up to 2nd floor with my trusty red cart to pick up some boxes, stop to talk to Amanda for 5 minutes while waiting for Doral to meet me and let me into storage room to get boxes
1:25pm Back down to the 1st floor to unload boxes
1:30pm More computer and box work
2pm Take full cart of boxes out to warehouse to store on pallets (this is where I get to use what Amanda calls my mad forklift skills!)
2:30pm Verify addresses of taxpayers for tax return refunds
3pm More computer and box work
3:30pm Snack on crackers and peanut butter filled pretzels (work always has lots of snacks, this is a bad thing) and back to work
4pm Make batch headers for Monday's scanned documents
4:30pm More computer and box work
5:30pm Sayonara work!
6pm Eat a tortilla (I don't always fix dinner if it's just me, especially when the fridge is empty like it is tonight)
6:30pm Teach Lindsey piano lesson- she tells me about The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (a videoblog of the Pride and Prejudice story)
7pm Get on YouTube and watch first episodes of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and absolutely love them (they're on 3 minutes each)
8pm Download borrowed library book online
8:30pm Just Dance time!  I get a good workout tonight.  Lyle gets home from work- he stopped by Costco on the way home.  Yay we have food again!
9:15pm Shower time
9:30pm Read one chapter of Regency Buck by Georgette Heyer to Lyle
10pm Leave Lyle sleeping and go read and ebook on the couch by myself
12am Go to bed (I get to sleep in!)

Friday happenings:
Drop off papers at adoption agency
Chiropractor appt
Lunch with cousin Colin
Shovel
Blog
Clean Kitchen
Haircut
Play piano
Read
Pick up kids
Meet Katie at Orange Leaf for frozen yogurt
Prepare sharing time for Sunday

Saturday:
Morning temple session for friend receiving endowments
Sweep and mop floors and make sure kids get chores done
Help mom clean and organize her house so she can prepare for sister missionaries living with her
Practice organ for Sunday

Sometime this weekend:
Take Lyle and kids to visit baby Harper

Ye Olde Festival

     Come one, come all!  The time of year has come 'round once again and it's time to visit our family's favorite vacation spot: the Arizona Renaissance Festival and Artisan Marketplace!  This is the 4th time going in the 6 years I've known Lyle.  It's so much fun!  An old time village set in the Arizona desert filled with delicious food, games and rides, various shows on 13 different stages, jousting tournaments and an artisan marketplace filled with things to buy and do.
     The first thing we went to see was London Broil, the 3 man juggling act.  Actually I should say juggling and comedy act as they're pretty funny.  We've seen them every year I've gone so far.  Last time we went was in 2011 and Lyle was chosen to come up on stage where they threw knives around him and another pretty big guy.  I have to say I was a little jealous.  I'd love to be up there.  I mean who wouldn't want a few guys throwing knives at them, right?

     All the rides at the festival are man powered.  They're mostly for little kids so I haven't really tried any other than one: the Pirate's Assault Catapault which is basically a trampoline and you're attached to bungee cords and fly through the air flipping around.  That's a favorite with the kids.
     We saw Adam Crack Fire Whip Show.  He's a guy who uses big whips to whip stuff.  He's very good, in fact, he holds some records in the Guinness Book of World Records and he went to a competition in Australia this last year and got 1st, 2nd and 3rd in the 3 events he competed in.  He used a few different whips for different stunts, but he brings out the big guns for the finale: The Big Bullwhip of Death (Duh, duh, duh- he actually had us make those sounds whenever he said, 'the big bullwhip of death') which is a 22 foot whip which he uses to whip the heads off of roses held in the mouth of an assistant from a really long distance away.
     I went to the petting zoo and saw ducks, goats, pigs, a highland cow with horns, little chicks, a draft horse and more.  Pretty cute.  I made sure to use the proffered hand sanitizer when I left.  There was the Barely Balanced acrobats.  We hadn't seen them before this year.  It amazes me that people have the kind of balance they do.  I wanted to get better pictures of all three of them in extremely difficult positions but the camera battery died.  Doh!

     I stopped and listened to Sarah Marie Mullen play the harp.  She sat in a shaded grassy area and played the harp all day and in full dress renaissance too!  That must be really tiring and hot.  I bought one of her CDs.  We also saw for the first time this year the Falconry Show which was very interesting with owls, hawks, buzzards, and this King Vulture who is preening something from his back.  They have camel and elephant rides.  I didn't have time this year, but last time I rode an elephant.
     The Joust to the death is always gruesome yet delightful.  There are 3 jousting tournaments through the day the last one is to the death (okay they don't really die they just knock each other off their horses, fight with swords and spout blood packets when one of them is supposed to get hit).  Our knight Maximillian the Earl of Something-or-other (who was in fact the bad guy) tragically died in the end murdered by the upright and whiny Sir Brown Noser, favorite knight of the King.  Disappointing but, ah well, what can you do?

     Other shows we saw: the Knotty Nauticals fire eating (they were supposed to do rope walking too which they didn't do and while the fire eating was really cool, they were too crass for my taste) and the Living Fountain, a new addition this year, a lady pretending to be a statue in ancient Greece who comes alive and elegantly sprays water over herself and an attending satyr.  Some of our favorite acts from the past that we didn't see this year: Thom Sellectomy the sword swallower who picked Annie one year to come up and pull a sword out of his throat, Three Guys and a Bunch of Drums which is exactly as it sounds- but they're good and really funny, Cast in Bronze the Musical Carillon, a guy playing what looks like a piano but it's attached to huge bells, the Glassblowing Demonstration, the Wyld Men show which is a couple of half naked guys playing around in the mud (I'm not sure exactly where this idea came from), and Clan Tynker the family circus.  Still haven't caught but would like to see: gypsy violinist, knife throwing show, bagpipes and drums, bellydancing carnivale the knighting ceremony and more.  I'm not sure when we'll be able to go next, probably not for a couple more years.  But it's such a good time!

An Arrival, Gravity and God's Math

Mike and baby Harper

     Two new things happened this week.  First of all, my niece Harper was born.  My younger brother Mike is now a first time father.  It was so touching to see Mike so thrilled at holding his little baby girl.  I went to the hospital and held her for a short while.  She was so good being passed around to the few of us that were there, without crying.  She has her mother Wendy's hands and a little bit of dark hair.
     I have been truly excited for Mike.  He is so good with kids and will be an excellent father.  But at the same time I can't pretend not to notice the minor stab of jealousy and fear that come with this birth.  All of my younger siblings are adults and any of them could have been having children before now.  But they haven't.  This is the first.  And I realize that I'm now being passed up.  Younger people than me are having babies all the time, but this one is the first in my family.  

The baby blanket I crocheted for Harper

     The second thing that happened this week is that Lyle and I received a notice from the adoption agency.  It has been 1 year since we started the approval process and they need us to resubmit our criminal background checks and redo our finance worksheet so they can continue to keep us as a prospective adoptive couple.  If we don't do these things within the month we will be taken off their lists.
     I try not to focus on the fact that I have to qualify to be a parent.  Most people don't have to have 3 fire extinguishers in their house in order have a child.  Or be interviewed with intimate questions about relationships and psychological questions to make sure they're not crazy.  Or compete with hundreds of other couples for one child.  
     Most of the time I do fine but the question is always just beneath the surface: will it ever be my turn?

Elder Shayne M. Bowen

     Sunday was stake conference.  Elder Shayne Bowen from the first quorum of the seventies spoke to us.  He took his scriptures and asked us as an audience to identify the principle he was going to show to us.  He then let go of the book and it fell loudly on the pulpit.  We softly answered: gravity.  Gravity is one of God's principles.  He picked the scriptures back up and repeated the action a few more times asking how often we thought the same principle would work.  Would the book float the next time?  Each time, as expected, the scriptures fell on the pulpit.  Of course gravity was going to work the same way over and over again.  It's one of God's principles and they are eternal and unchanging.  He wanted to know if we thought it was important to understand how gravity worked?  Yes it is.  If you're on the top of a thirty story building and standing near the edge, it would be very useful to know how gravity works.
     He read a scripture from D&C 130:20-21: There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated- And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.
     The lesson here is this: obedience is also one of God's laws; it's eternal and unchanging.  It's important for us to know how it works as well.  And we are told by God that when we obey we will receive blessings.  
     Laurel Christensen spoke at Time Out For Women this year about this very thing.  The principle she was trying to relay was: Trust the Math.  She had worked hard last year to lose weight.  She started eating less and exercising more and created a spreadsheet to chart her progress.  And sure enough, when the chart said she should be 1.2 lbs up, she was 1.2 lbs up.  If it said she should lose .8 lbs, she lost .8 lbs.  The weight didn't always show in the same week, but eventually it caught up.  It was simple math.  Calories in- calories out.
     Then she quoted the same scripture that Elder Bowen did and added another: D&C 82:10 which says, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise."

Laurel Christensen

     She talked about how we're all waiting for something and how in our times of waiting we needed to trust the math.  Math is one of God's laws too.  And in these scriptures God himself tells us that He has to bless us when we obey.  We don't always know what laws go with what blessings, but if we keep the commandments he cannot keep blessings from us.  Basic math: obedience in- blessings out.
     However, they may not show up the time we expect them to.  So what do we do while we wait?  Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."  This means that when we're obedient to His laws we have the right to ask Him for what we need during our period of waiting.  
     Note: One thing that would help me in my time of need is patience.  Another is gratitude.  I'm going to ask Heavenly Father to grant those to me as I wait.

Me and Harper

     Laurel's final advice was this: stop worrying about things you can't control like timing, the agency of others or the plan God has in place for your life and put the focus on what you can control which is your obedience and your worthiness to receive personal revelation and blessings. They will come.  Trust God's Math.
     Elder Bowen ended his talk with a promise as well: if we keep the commandments and are obedient, the Lord would give us all the necessities of life and the riches of heaven and that all that God has will be ours.
    Hmm...God has an awful lot of children.  I'm not sure if I want quite that many.  But I'll be thankful to take the ones that will come.  Will it ever be my turn to be a mother?  Well, I'm doing my best to keep the commandments.  The answer is yes, I will.  I just need to wait for this blessing to catch up.