A Manual for the Bumpy Road

     I have a sister, Alyson, who has been living in Boston.  She got her Master Degree and has been looking for a job.   She hasn't found one yet and decided that in the meantime she would move back home to be closer to family.  So Memorial Day weekend, I flew out to Boston, helped Allie pack and drove back here with her.  At first I thought it was a fairly mundane experience (I still do actually) but as I've been thinking back there are were a few minor lessons I learned from our trip.  So I thought I'd share them with you.  So here goes: the Manual for the Bumpy Road.

     Chapter 1: I flew out on the midnight flight.  After I had packed everything for the trip, I had a little time before Lyle needed to take me to the airport.  So I played with Chase flipping plastic frogs at each other.  Then they dropped me off and I sat until the flight boarded.  When I got on board I looked for my cell to turn it off during the flight and to my horror realized I didn't have it.  A friend had called me just before I started playing with Chase and I had left the phone sitting on the coffee table at home.  This was problematic and embarrassing; problematic since I don't have my sister's phone number memorized and thus when I landed I couldn't call her to meet up with her...and embarrassing because although I almost always have my phone on me and rarely forget it, I had in fact forgotten it when 3 1/2 years earlier I had driven with Allie from here to Boston to drop her off when she moved there.  Now she was going to think I was a real idiot since I had done it both times I had helped her traveling to or from Boston.  After I landed I ended up having to use a pay phone (which are a bit hard to find nowadays) and call my mom and have her call Allie, then I had to call her back again.  It was a real process and my flight had landed an hour and a half before my sister and I finally found each other.
     Principle: Don't make the same mistake more than once.  We're all bound to make mistakes.  But when you make one, much better to learn from it.  Otherwise, you will end up tired, hungry and without a phone in the most confusing terminal in Logan airport while other people worry about whether or not you are okay and you feel super idiotic.

     Chapter 2: Allie had picked me up and I was back at her apartment.  Because I had traveled on a red-eye flight and knew I'd be getting little sleep, I wanted to be comfortable.  So I had gone to the airport in a pair of light sweatpants which were very long in the legs...too long.  When I'm at home I don't mind much, they drag on the floor and get dirty and they have holes at the bottom, but they're really comfortable and I figured that was all that mattered.  Well, I didn't happen to look at the forecast for Boston, which may have been helpful to do, since just as we started to pack up Allie's stuff in the car, it started raining.  We left soon after and went to eat lunch and get gas and then we left.  During all this time I was loading the car and walking on wet streets, I was wearing my long sweatpants with rips at the bottom of the legs, which were soaked with water from being dragged in puddles.  Not so comfortable anymore.  In fact, distinctly uncomfortable and quite annoying really.  I wanted to change my pants but by then my suitcase was packed in the car with other things piled on top of it and I couldn't get to it easily.  So I had to live with my dirty, soaked sweatpants.
     Principle 2: Uncomfortable situations won't kill you.  Though not ideal, situations we get into in life that do not make us feel welcome, happy or comfortable will happen and we are fully capable of surviving through them.  My sweatpants eventually dried and I somehow survived, and now I know not to wear pants that drag on the ground when going somewhere that I don't know the forecast for.  By the way, when we stopped rural New York where we stayed the first night, it was raining there too, so I got wet again (sigh).


     Chapter 3: The next day we got up and drove for hours.  We talked and listened to some funny podcasts, but mostly we drove.  That night we needed to stop in Indiana for the night.  We ended up finding this little motel to stay at and it was a good decision.  The owner was a really nice guy.  He owned extra property around the motel which had a pond and a nice area to walk.  He also had a cute and friendly dog named Jake.  He told us to take Jake for a walk so we walked around the pond while Jake ran around and chased after small animals.  It was so nice for just a little while to relax, feel the cool wind, stretch our legs and enjoy the wonderful hospitality of a nice person and a nice animal frolicking around us.  The room was clean, well taken care of and inexpensive and  we felt very welcome.  Though it didn't last really long, it was an unexpected bright spot in the trip. The owner invited us for coffee the next morning, which we didn't end up taking him up on, but he directed us to a good place to eat before we started driving the next day.  There are more splendid people and places in the world than I realize sometimes.
     Principle 3: There are unexpected good times along the way.  Sometimes I tend to concentrate on the bad things which crop up and take my attention and add to my stress level.  Too often I forget that along with the difficult, there is the good and beautiful that comes along.  What would it be like if I looked for those small things much more often, and stopped focusing on the bad?

     Chapter 4: In Nebraska we had a funny GPS moment.  Allie's GPS was programmed with the voice of a pretty funny Hungarian grandmother who commented on how driving fast on the freeway made her nervous and told us that if we didn't arrive at the right spot it was because we 'didn't listen to her'.  We had a lot of fun with it, and for the most part she did well.  But a couple of hours before we stopped for the night, we got more gas and had programmed 'Grandma' to find us the nearest gas station.  We were following her directions when she told us to turn right, even though it was onto a dirt road, but we soon realized this couldn't possibly be where the gas station was so we started looking around.  Then we saw it in our rear view mirror and realized that she wasn't leading us the right way. We turned around and easily found the right spot which made 'Grandma' comment about how we didn't listen to her.  But it got me thinking.
     Principle 4: Trust your instincts.   Sometimes we're given directions, even from sources we trust.  Sometimes those directions turn out exactly what we need.  But sometimes, they don't always take us to where we really want to go.  Even well meaning people can give us good directions, but our specific lives are meant to be different and we need to be paying attention, look around us and turn the car to go the other way to start heading in the right direction in order to be where we really need to be.  But as long as we stay close to the spirit and trust our natural instincts, we should come out right where we need to be.

     Chapter 5: When I've told people about driving across the country with my sister (twice now) people get excited and say how much fun it must be.  Admittedly the first time we did it, we stopped more and saw a few things and it was a bit more exciting for me.  It's not that I didn't enjoy it this time, but I think people tend to forget the monotony that is driving for hours every day in a stuffed car.  Basically it's getting up in the morning, having breakfast and getting ready then stopping for gas then driving for hours.  Then you stop for lunch and gas, then you and switch drivers, then you drive some more.  Then you stop for dinner and find gas and do a little more driving then you finally stop for some place for the night.  Not such a thrilling journey after all, when you think about it.  But there is something that I have learned about a long road trip (and life in general) and it is this:
     Principle 5: There is beauty and strength in the drudgery of life.  There are so many times that I wanted to stop and not drive more, there are also so many times in life when I don't want to get up and go to work or do something for my calling or run errands or clean the house.  But sometimes things have to be done anyway, whether or not I want to do them.  So I do them (for the most part) and something amazing happens.  There's not big shift to happiness or sometimes even a satisfaction of getting stuff done; sometimes all there is an exhausting end to a day that has felt longer than winter, but over time I can see my strength building up.  I can appreciate how the mundane things in life help distract me from sadness, boredom, anger, frustration, idleness, etc. and that in itself is beautiful.  The daily grind may not be sexy, but it makes me a better person for having done it.  Sitting down at that wheel for a few more hours may make me tired, but it also builds up my resistance, my patience and my gratitude.  Thank heavens for those busy, boring times in life!

Mother's Day

     This year I was asked to speak in sacrament on Mother's Day.  I wanted to share my talk on this post.  Because of the way I like to speak I usually make notes but wing it when the actual time comes so the talk didn't turn out exactly how it was here but most of it was the same.  I hope you all had a good Mother's Day.

     I wasn't planning on being here today.  I asked someone to take my Relief Society lesson and made sure that Carol would be here to play the organ.  And then the bishop asked me to speak.  I told him that I hadn't planned on going this year on Mother's Day since it is such an emotionally precarious day for me.  I asked if I could speak the week after instead.  He reminded me that next week was High Council speaker Sunday and asked if he could come over and talk to me.  When he came to my house we shot the breeze for a few minutes then the bishop told me that Mother's Day was a challenge as a bishop.  I hadn't realized previously how many women have a hard time with Mother's Day, but apparently quite a number of women end up offended or hurt.  He was worried about the women in our ward.  He felt that women in general tend to internalize things and beat up on ourselves.  On Mother's Day that means that if women hear about someone's wonderful mother that they feel it means they're not doing good enough as a mother and are consequently hurt.  So this year he wanted someone to talk on the sanctity of womanhood and he would like that person to be me.  Obviously, I agreed.
     Two things occurred to me after my talk with the bishop.  One thing that didn't occur to me until days later was that in speaking to me about his reasons for wanting me to talk and what he would like me to talk about, the bishop tapped into that womanly trait that I have of wanting to help others and not wanting people to be inconvenienced. When I realized this, my thought was, 'Well played, Bishop.  Well played.'  The other thing is that after the bishop left the first thing I said to my husband was, "Well now I feel guilty for complaining."  Inside I was thinking about how the bishop was just trying to do his calling and that I should have been more accepting of the assignment in the first place, etc...  Then I realized that I was proving the bishop's point right that second.  Here I was beating up on myself and internalizing everything to reflect on me and I just had a chuckle to think that the bishop was totally right.  We as women do beat up on ourselves too much.  Why do we do that?  For myself, I think that I see this superwoman type of person that I want to be and I constantly compare myself to that ideal or to other women around me who I seem to have the traits I seem to glaringly lack.  In these comparisons, I end in coming up short every time.  Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't look at ourselves through other people's eyes.
     In writing this talk I ran across a metaphor which I really liked.  One of the basic concepts of light is that the light around us or white light is a combination of all the visible wavelengths of colored light.  When a ray of light enters a prism it refracts or bends.  Different wavelengths refract at different angles so by the time the light leaves the prism it is not longer traveling as a single ray.  The white light has dispersed into a series of colors called a visible spectrum.  We see this in nature when sunlight shines through a raindrop to produce a rainbow.  The single ray of white light represents all of us as women.  We are united that aspect- a beam of light traveling together. And then we hit the prism of our Heavenly Father's plans for our individual lives.  The specific wavelength we're traveling on determines the angles at which we are capable of bending and where we will be when we come through on the other side.  When we do come through, we do not all look the same.  We all have different circumstances and therefore different colors to our lives as individuals, but we still all shine with the light of womanhood.  And the diversity between our different personalities and lives is what makes us beautiful just as the different colors of the rainbow complement and enhance its beauty as a whole.
     The Lord has given us common traits as women that we can use to learn and grow.  Sheri Dew described a few of these as: 'heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the spirit, an abhorrence of evil and complete selflessness'.  I love her.  That makes me feel super strong.  Other traits that I have noticed we have as women are generosity, a willingness to sacrifice, a natural desire to nurture others and a compulsion to create in whatever capacity we have.  I've seen these in my own excellent mother, my sisters, family, friends, women in the ward and other women of influence in my life.
     As for our individual lives, the color that God has chosen for us may not be our favorite color; it may not be the color we wanted to come out looking like.  But it is the color God has chosen for us and He's tailored it to our specific lives.  It is the color through which we can shine the brightest if we use our own unique skills and gifts which He's given us.  Some talents I have tried to cultivate are a sense of humor, a determination to push through hardship and an ability to discern how and why family members feel and do things, which has helped particularly in my efforts to raise other people's children and in my marriage itself.
     Along with talents, God has given us weaknesses and struggles which He has promised are for our experience and which can help to sharpen our color.  Ether 12:27 says: 'And if men come unto me I will show them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.'  I have heard the bishop say more than once that our trials are specifically targeted to our weaknesses.  I have seen this in my own life.
     I have always struggled with my self worth.  And a few years ago after all of our fertility treatments were through and everything had failed I was confused and devestated.  I had prepared for years to be a mother.  I had never wanted a career, I only wanted to be a mom.  And all of a sudden that identity and future were just gone and I didn't know what to do.  There was a big, gaping hole in my life and my heart and there was nothing to fill it.  I heard people say that the purpose of women were to be mothers and I would think, 'Well, I guess I have no purpose then.' It made me feel unworthy and of no value.  I struggled with this for a long time.  I still do sometimes.  Then one day I was reading a talk by Elder Russell M. Nelson called Women- Of Infinite Worth and a few small lines grabbed my attention and helped me change the way I thought the Lord felt about me.  'To help another human being reach one's celestial potential is part of the divine mission of women...In partnership with God her divine mission is to help spirits live and souls be lifted.  This is the measure of her creation.'  I read this and thought, This is something I can do.  I may not be able to bear and rear my own children, but I can love and lift.  I can help and teach and serve and give.  Honestly what could be a more scared purpose than that?  Heavenly Father's own mission according to him in Moses 1:39 is 'to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man'.  Isn't helping others reach their celestial potential the same thing?  If that purpose is so special and important to God, it is certainly good enough for me, regardless of how those specific people come into my life.
     The problem I find the most in remembering how important my purpose is lies in the distractions of everyday life.  As women this work that we have been given to do doesn't happen in huge events.  It occurs in small, daily things that we do.  And because they're so small and so regular we underestimate their importance and our worth.  We don't realize that those small things we do are the very way we accomplish this purpose that Heavenly Father has given us.  The lyrics to one of my favorite songs depicts this very struggle that we as women seem to have.  It's called 'In the Meantime'.

In hear heart she holds the dreams

She's carried since the day she turned thirteen

Of all that she would be when she was grown

Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own

She dreamed she'd fly

She's still waiting for the chance to try

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife

Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind

And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life

She doesn't know she's being molded and refined

In the meantime

Someday she'll go back to school

When the carpools and the soccer games are through

Cause deep inside she's still the girl

Who's always felt the fire to make a difference in the world

She dreams she'll soar

When she finally has the time to do more

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend

Hours turn into days that turn to years that never end

And she wonders if she'll ever really find herself again

But she's becoming one on whom God can depend

In the meantime

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life

And heaven hears her heart before she cries

And somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials

She's becoming sanctified

And in the meantime she's an answer and a blessing and a gift

To every empty aching heart that only she can lift

Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is

If she could only see her mansion waiting there

If she could only feel how much her Father cares

She would know she's being perfectly prepared

In the meantime

     I should not doubt my worth or belittle the contributions I make to my Heavenly Father, even though they may be small and even though they may not be the same as other women contribute, because God can to a lot with whatever I can give.  Psalms 42:11: 'Why art thou cast down o my soul?  And why art thou disquieted within me?  Hope thou in God.'  I want to be thankful for the opportunities I've been given to use my gifts and skills to make the lives of others better.

     The last thing I'd like to address is the question we as women ask ourselves so many times- Why?  Why does my purpose or my path in life have to be so difficult?  One of my favorite quotes comes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  Years ago he spoke at the MTC and though this talk was directly concerning missionary work, I think the work we do as a woman to lift souls and help them to their divine potential is the same work so it applies beautifully.  He said, "Anyone who does this kind of work will have occasion to ask why is this so hard?...I am convinced that it is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience.  Salvation never was easy...How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never ever easy for Him?  It seems to me that we have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane.  We have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary."

     I'm thankful to be a woman.  I'm thankful for my people in my life who I have had a chance to love and help, for the talents I have had the chance to cultivate and that I have the chance to continue to try to turn my weaknesses to strengths to become the woman my Savior wants me to be.  I know He loves me and each of you women as well.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Chase's Baptism

Chase requested the songs 'The Family is of God' and 'Tell Me the Stories of Jesus' for the songs.  I gave the opening song.  Elder Horrocks and Elder Murphy did the talks and Chase said the closing prayer.

Chase with Elder Murphy and Elder Horrocks

Chase and his mom Melissa

Chase, Melissa and Lyle

Chase, Lyle and I

A New Opportunity

     We have a little boy living with us.  It happened pretty quickly and not in the way I expected.  As we've been finishing up with the process of becoming foster parents we were contacted by about an opportunity.  It came through my brother Paul.

Paul and Melissa

     Last Christmas, Paul brought his girlfriend Melissa to meet the family.  Paul hadn't brought another girl around before so I was excited.  She seemed to be really nice and I hoped to be able to have more contact with her in the future.  Little did I know that a few months later I would get to know her much better.
     After announcing on Facebook that Lyle and I were licensed foster parents, Melissa asked me to contact her.  She has a 9 yr old son named Chase who she wanted to talk to me about.  Melissa has some serious health problems.  Because of these she has not been able to keep a job which has led to financial instability.  Also, her health problems have become bad enough that she had been unable to care for her son anymore.  She had found a couple and had placed him with them a couple of months previously but she was now having problems with them.  They were keeping her from having contact with her son.  They had started not taking her calls and telling her she couldn't come and see Chase.  It had gotten worse lately.  She and Paul came to dinner with Lyle and I and we discussed the possibility of us taking Chase into our home to live with us.  The next weekend we met Chase.

Chase, Lyle and Grandpa
building a super lego tower

     That same weekend we ended having Chase come to live with us.  Things with the couple who had been taking care of Chase had gotten worse and Melissa didn't feel comfortable taking Chase back to them.  So he came to live with us.  The last few weeks have been very busy.  We had to change Taylor's and Annie's rooms so Taylor would be sharing with Chase (he was really disappointed in having to give up the queen bed he'd been on in exchange for bunk beds), we've had to enroll Chase in school, buy school uniforms and other clothes, find someone to take care of Chase when we're both at work, etc.
    We've done pretty well, I think.  Chase calls his mom almost every day and has been able to see her more which has helped with his adjustment.  Lyle and I have had to practice more patience.  We're not used to having kids in the house all the time, especially very active little boys.  And yet, we're glad we've had this opportunity to grow.
     The last few weeks have seen other changes too.  I was released as my calling of primary music leader (which I loved) and called as a ward missionary to help prepare 2 young women in the ward for missions and also called as a relief society instructor.  When the first call was extended the bishop asked about Chase.  Though it was the very day Chase came to live with us, Lyle, who is the ward clerk, had a few minutes to tell the bishop about the situation so he in turn asked me for more information before he extended the new call.  When he gave me a blessing to set me apart as a ward missionary he added a blessing to help me as I now become a 'foster'? parent.  He blessed me that as I become a savior of a kind to others, I would be able to help those who could not help themselves.  This really humbled me.  Being likened to the Savior in any way is very sobering and has made me think of all my Lord has done for me and how much I want to be like Him, including His willingness to give everything to others.
     There's a scripture that's kept coming back to me the last couple of weeks.  Mosiah 4:19 and 21 says: 'For behold, are we not all beggars?  Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even god, for all the substance which we have...And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for you lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.'
     Although this has been a wonderful experience, it has still been very hard as well, and on days I feel like I'm losing my cool I try and think about those words and remember the importance of what I'm doing.  This isn't something I would have imagined doing when I married Lyle, but how much good can I do by being willing to help and serve other people around me who need my help?  I hope Heavenly Father will continue to help me in learning to be a full time substitute mom and that I'll be able to make the lives of Chase and Melissa better for having helped them.  After all, haven't I needed help from others in times past?  Haven't I also been a beggar at one time or another?  Now Heavenly Father has given me a chance to pay it forward.

About Chase:
     Chase is in 3rd grade.  He's very intelligent...he reads far above his grade level (he was reading his Incredible Hulk book upside down the other day with words like 'gamma radiation'...I was pretty impressed) and he knows his multiplication tables very well.  He's also a very active little boy.  He loves sports, especially basketball, and wants to be shooting hoops or outside playing every minute that he possibly can.  He's a funny kid with a lot of wit and he keeps me laughing.  He's also a pretty obedient kid.  He whines some but he doesn't disobey or sass back when asked to do things...though he doesn't jump up every time I ask him to do something either.
    Chase is going to cub scouts and will start karate this week. He goes to church with us and has decided to be baptized.  He's learned how to pray and asks to be the one to say the prayer almost every time.  He enjoys reading with me before bed.  His favorites so far: Dr. Seuss and our Book of Mormon reader.  Chase likes to sing and you can hear him singing random songs at different times of the day.  I started teaching him piano.
     He's very excited to spend time with Annie and Taylor.  He has a hard time entertaining himself and loves to be around other people.  I have to confess that Lyle and I enjoy a break when the kids are here playing with him.  Chase has also already made friends with kids on our street and in our ward.  He's a fun kid to be around.

Best Laid Plans

     Wow, this year is going by fast, isn't it?  Spring is back and I'm looking forward to seeing the flowering trees on my street in full bloom, to see more green leaves and flowers coming out and to feel it warm just a little more for those perfect spring days, which nostalgically always seem to include a slight breeze and a few clouds in the sky.  And of course I'd love a few of those rainy days mixed in...I've always loved rain.  Boy, if I could just pick the perfect weather every day, I'd be super happy.
     Ain't that the way it goes, though?  It seems I'm always imaging a perfect scenario whether it's the time of year, the day of the week or the plan for my life.  I seem to map out the exact way that I want things to go and of course life always goes right along with my desires...ha ha, wouldn't that be nice?  Life planned and designed by Laura.  Sounds like the way to go!  What's that saying?  'Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans'?  Yeah, that about sums it up right.
     I used to imagine how my life would be: by my ripe old age I'd be done having all my kids, I'd be a stay at home mom and my husband would make enough money that we never had to worry about finances (we'd have a perfect marriage of course).  Did I mention I would remain skinny and never gain weight?  Also my kids would be the best behaved kids in the world.  And without trying I would be Mom #1 and never be impatient or grumpy.  I'm laughing right now thinking of my naive little plan for my life.  The life I truly have is nowhere near what I pictured and worked towards.  How is it that we can have such grand marvelous imaginings and then be upset when...Surprise!...life refuses to follow our structured fantasy?
          "The mortal whose life goes exactly as scripted is most likely nonexistent...In other words, life...takes its own unexpected path, depending on the course God has decreed for it and the endless, seemingly random possibilities that may alter or influence it in this world.  Knowing this as we do, it is a wonder that we spend so much effort and emotion trying to be in total control of outcomes.  We still create unrealistic expectations and mental pictures of how things are supposed to be that cause us unnecessary pain and disillusionment when they are not realized." (Brent and Wendy Top, Finding God in the Garden, pgs 107-108)
     I've felt discouragement so many times with my unrealized desires and plans.  I feel like I work hard for good things to happen and many times the roller coaster that is life takes an unexpected drop or a hard right when I just want to go straight toward my goal.  What was the point in all that work if I can't go to where I want to be?  Why bother sacrificing things I want now for greater, future desires when I then have to watch as those desires seem  to be ultimately unfulfilled?  In my pathetic attempt to find patience with my situation, I find myself sometimes crying out in anger and frustration, "Serenity Now!", like George Costanza in Seinfeld.
     In my Bible I have a scripture highlighted.  Isaiah 55:8 reads: 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.'  Next to it I have written in pen the words: He is in control.
     Why should that be such a scary thought?  He's the one who knows the real plan for my journey but I don't seem to want to follow his instructions that will lead me through the maze of life safely and out to the other side.  I want to design my own way through it, and yet have all the things I desire in addition to becoming everything I want to be all at the same time.  Give me my cake and let me eat it too!
     I was thinking the other night, once again (sigh) about my lack of children and the thought occurred to me that maybe I truly don't need to be a mother to become the kind of woman Heavenly Father wants me to be.  Maybe all the work I've gone through toward this seemingly unattainable goal is really all about becoming the kind of person who God can depend on.  Maybe I need to do all this work and sacrifice in order for me to know that I'm willing to do the things the Lord asks of me even when they're difficult and painful and in the end, the result I worked and planned for is not granted.  At least not in the time or way I thought...maybe not even then.
     Do I trust that Heavenly Father really is in control?  That He sees what I can't and knows what I really need?
     "Our lives may turn out to be a completely different plant from what the label promised.  And yet, when we plant and sow the best we can and learn to let the harvest be the Lord's, we will be richly satisfied and lack for nothing of worth.  It may not come out the way we pictured it, but it will be lovingly fitted to us.  Then, in the end...the weeds and weaknesses of this mortal world will be forgotten.  Our Savior will prepare us for perfection and plant us in the eternal garden of His Father.  There we will find that we are living in a landscape beyond our sweetest dreams." (pg 110)

Thou who knowest all our weakness,

Leave us not to sow alone!

Bid thine angels guard the furrows

Where the precious grain is sown,

Till the fields are crowned with glory,

Filled with mellow, ripened ears,

Filled with fruit of life eternal

From the seed we sowed in tears.
(We Are Sowing, Hymns, no. 216)

What's New

     I meant to blog last week but it's been such a busy week it just didn't get done.  What a slacker, huh?  So what's up, Buttercup?  Well, I'll tell you.
     Last Friday, Lyle and I had our Home Study done to finish off the foster care process we've been working on for months.  They spent 3 hours doing interviews with us about our backgrounds and families and personalities, etc.  Then they inspected the house (that part only took 1/2 hour).  The verdict: we passed!  Yeah!  I never really thought we'd fail, but it's relieving all the same to have it over and done with...to be inspected as responsible adults, questioned about your marriage, personal problems, family struggles and more then to have someone look at your house to decide whether it's good enough for a child to be placed with you is nerve racking.  Honestly, the whole process is intrusive and uncomfortable, and it still rankles a bit that I have to 'qualify' to be a mother when...others...don't, but so be it.  We passed and they will be sending us our official Foster Parent License in another week or so.  Then DCFS will be contact us within a couple weeks after that (if they're board approves us, which we've no reason to think they won't) and then the process will begin to match us with a child.
    How do I feel about this you ask?  Nervous.  Every time so far we've been what we feel is close to having a child (medications and procedures, trying to adopt a baby through another agency) we've always come so close only for the chance to be snatched away from us and we're back at Square One again.  I don't know why this time it would turn out the same way, but I can't say I'm not afraid of it happening even if it's not likely.  I'm also nervous if it DOES work.  That means a new child in our life, which means figuring out day care when the child is not at school and we're both at work, finding out how what he's been through affects his moods and how to cope with the problems of a child we don't know, figuring out how to incorporate him/her into our family, giving equal care to each child (though Annie and Taylor don't live with us full time and this new child won't be either of ours biologically), trying to bond with a child who's already been hurt, abandoned or neglected by other parents, and so on and so on.
     Do I feel ready?  Sort of!  Do I feel capable of dealing with these new challenges?  Maybe!  Do I have any idea what I'm actually doing?  Probably not!... but here we go anyway...
    In other news, check out our new ride!  Both of our cars are old and falling apart and we had decided a month or two ago that we need a new one.  It wasn't what we were originally looking for, but we're happy with it.  Rides nice, power everything, 6 CD disc changer (yes, I'm an old fogey and I still listen to some of my CDs), smells like a new car, it's CLEAN!  I love new cars (well, new to us anyway)...however, I am less enamored with the new car payments.  C'est la vie!  Can't have the good without the bad, right?  No, seriously, can you?  If so, I'd really like to figure out how to eat donuts and not gain weight.
     Speaking of the good with the bad...when we were buying the vehicle we were talking with the salesman about the financing.  We had help from Lyle's parents in the organizing of the loan (he has such great parents!) and when we were talking to him, we of course discussed our credit.  Lyle and I have worked very hard over the years at our finances.  This has meant making sacrifices and not getting things we want, consistently paying a full tithe and other charitable donations, paying off all debt as soon as possible, not spending more than we make, putting any extra money that comes our way to debts, the mortgage or things like life insurance and food storage, not eating out or going to less movies, etc.  As a consequence we have been blessed financially and we also have very good credit.  I heard myself saying to the salesman that it had been hard work to get our credit so high and I guess I hadn't really realized that it's taken years of self denial and discipline but that the long term consequences of those choices we've made have improved our lives and made it easier now to buy a new car and most likely pay it off in closer to half the time of the length of the loan.
     It's true that sometimes I look at others and think, 'Why is it that they get almost everything they want if they cheat or steal or make irresponsible choices, while I who work hard to be dependable and mature, to be a 'good girl' and keep the commandments to the best of my ability...including being frugal and living within our means, frequently go without?'  Though it still sometimes bothers me, I look at the choices I have made and I'm proud that I've worked so hard to do what I think is right and thankfully, I am reminded of it at times like this.
     Sacrifice, it seems, is good for the soul.
    "The submission of one's will is placing on God's altar the only uniquely personal thing one has to place there.  The many other things we 'give' are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us.'  Elder Neal A. Maxwell
     So here's to our years of sacrificing and hard work...right now we're being blessed with a new car and hopefully soon, a new child.  Right now, life feels good!

Love Is In The Air

      I'm reminded all around of love.  I'm blessed with a wonderful husband, stepkids, family, friends, financial stability, health and intelligence, and many things that I enjoy doing...and eating.
     Here's how I've seen the love in my life recently.
     Last week my cousin, Vivian, invited me to attend the ballet with her.  I LOVE the ballet!  When I was young I wanted to be a ballerina.  I took dance classes as a child, even a couple of years of pointe- which is much harder than professional dancers make it look- and was a sophomore cheerleader, on the drill team and the dance company in high school.  I continue dancing today with video games (I'm a LOT less flexible and have less ability now, not to mention having a lot less energy).  I haven't been to the ballet for a while, so I was really excited for this chance to see The Sleeping Beauty with the same music (by Tchaikovsky) that you hear in the Disney movie.  Such a wonderful time!
     Then last Friday night our ward had a Sweethearts dance.  It started with a pasta dinner then we went into the cultural hall for the dance.  It was all decorated with pink and red balloons.  We had an unofficial DJ who played some really good music.  It was so nice to dance with Lyle!  We don't often get the chance.  There was a room set up for the children and there were volunteers to go in there for a half hour to do activities with the kids, although in truth the kids spent just as much time dancing as they did doing the activities set up for them.  There was also a room set up to take pictures with your Valentine.  People got a kick out of one of the pics Lyle and I took.  As usual, Lyle's being a ham and I'm pretending to be annoyed.  I think the photographer showed this one to others in the ward since they commented on how funny we are. I'm so glad we enjoy being together so much.  Lyle's a good husband.
    This past Tuesday the Young Women in our ward had an activity that Annie was actually able to go to- we rarely have her on the day of the week that they have activities.  They went to a bridal shop and tried on wedding dresses.  That's Annie right in the front.  I can't believe how much older it made her look.  She's not a little girl anymore!  It makes me dread how fast time is going.  Someday she's going to be ready to take the step of getting married and while I'm can't wait for that day, I also don't want it to come.  When Lyle picked Annie up from the activity a couple of the girls in the ward were trying to hide her and insisting that Lyle leave Annie with them because they were having so much fun and wanted her to stay.  I almost cried when Lyle told me that.  It means more than I can say to me that the Young Women in our ward are so loving and accepting of Annie.  I know she needs good friends and I'm so happy that there are people in her life who are positive influences and who genuinely enjoy having her around.  Last month they came to our home and 'heart attacked' it for Annie.  I love these girls!  Annie carefully took all of the hearts down and put them  in her room so that she could have them where she could see them...a reminder of how much she is loved.  Thank you for the love and caring you have showed to my daughter, Young Women and Leaders!  You're fabulous!
     Yesterday, Lyle brought home my Valentine's Day present.  Flowers and chocolate truffles.  How can a husband go wrong with that?  The only problem...Lyle and I are currently on our 17 day no carb diet and I can't eat the truffles for another week and a half!  Ah, but they'll be worth it once I can enjoy them.  In the meantime, I can bask in the glow of the feeling I get when my husband brings me flowers.  My present to him is two parts.  For the first part: candy (that he can't eat for a week and a half), a coupon for a free massage and something even better...my own words of love.  Taylor's cell broke a couple of months ago.  Lyle found an old one that still worked and gave it to him.  Last month Taylor told me that there were texts from me to Lyle from way back when we were dating that Lyle had saved on that phone and forgotten about.  So I typed them up in a love note to give to him this Valentine's Day which was Taylor's idea...and a good one at that!  For the second part: on Monday night (we have the kids this weekend so I'll wait for our time as a couple), I'm making our dining room into a restaurant and fixing dinner for him.  Then I'm going to present him with the bill- to be paid in affection instead of money.  Then we're going to play the Newlywed Game to cap off the evening.
     My mom also gave me a Valentine's Day present: those chocolate covered pretzels with nuts from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.  I love my mom!  She's someone who deserves a great Valentine's day.  I bought her a book for her present...which she'll get late since she flew yesterday to visit her brother and sister-in-law in Arizona.
     Ah!  I'll have so much yummy things to eat when I get off my diet that I'll have to be sure not to send myself into a diabetic coma from the sugar rush I'll get (oh, but what a way to go)!.  And I'm pretty sure that all these yummy things will directly counteract the diet itself!  Well, darn.  So goes life.
     The last thing I have to say about love in my life has to do with my calling: primary music chorister.  Last Sunday the presidency and I went to a stake meeting.  Representatives from the Priesthood Department for the Church were there.  Our stake, along with 2 others, has been selected to do a sort of pilot program.  They have a new format for sharing/singing time that they want to test out...which we'll start this Sunday and continue for 6 weeks.  After listening to  people from the priesthood dept, I'm really excited to try this new format!  It includes more singing time than we have now (YES!) and replaces the gospel instruction by a presidency member with the children sharing their gospel experiences.  I think it's possible that this will help the kids tie together what they learn in class, home and in sharing time together and help them experience the Lord's love in a more focused way.  And it gives me more time with the kids!  We'll see how it goes.  I plead the Lord blesses us with the help we'll need to teach the children.  I love my calling!

     That's all for today, but come back next week to hear about how the adoption process is going... I'll have news!

     Love to all and Happy Valentine's Day!!