Mrs. Know-It-All

     As a young child one of my favorite playmates was my cousin, Angie.  Our two families frequently saw each other and so we had many fun adventures as youngsters together.  We had a mild obsession with 'Jem and the Holograms' (a cartoon that depicted a band of girls...which had real songs, short though they were), played in her family's playhouse and on their trampoline and had sleepovers...one particular night we spent hours smelling her scratch 'n sniff book which had a page with pizza that smelled really gross...so we'd smell the gross page and pretend to throw up in the toilet and then repeat the process over and over again just for fun.  I know what you're thinking...and you're right.  Kids are weird.
     Anyway, inexplicably some days we would have fights (I know, weird huh?) and the result seemed to be something that I'm ashamed of today, although it's good for stories.  Back then, I, because of my vast and extensive living experience at my advanced age of around 6...at least far more experience than Angie had since she was 5 1/2 months younger than me...understood our relationship of 'cousins' to be different than it actually was.  I thought the term 'cousin' meant something akin to 'friend'.  So on those days when Angie wouldn't agree with me or do what I want, I clearly remember telling her, "Fine.  I guess we're not cousins anymore."  Then I'd storm away leaving her crying and begging me not to disown her, saying that she'd do what I want...at which point I would generously give in and reassure her, "Okay, I GUESS you're still my cousin."
     I'm not sure exactly when the knowledge of the fact that she was my cousin wasn't in my control came to me, but I've thought of it since, mostly laughing at how ignorant I was.  I was just so sure, with my young mind, that I knew what I was talking about that I didn't even think to ask anyone if what I understood was the truth.
     Fast forward years and I became a (gasp) teenager!  Yeah, by that time I was SURE I knew everything.  I was totally misunderstood, everybody picked on me, I never got what I wanted...etc.  And I was totally right in my knowledge of my world and my relationships, and was frequently irritated at those who had the gall to suggest that I was mistaken.  What was wrong with those people anyway?  Did they think I was stupid?  I knew what I was talking about!
     I was in my early twenties before I truly had the rug pulled out from under me and had the opportunity to look at the world in a whole new way.  I finally learned that as opposed to being omniscient, I in actuality knew very little about life.  All of a sudden I realized that the world I knew and saw didn't actually revolve around the rules that I had always understood to be its governing force.  What was I supposed to do then?  It was an incredibly scary thing.  Everything I thought, everything I knew was wrong.  I can't tell you how completely humbling that was when I finally understood.  Thankfully Heavenly Father was there to help teach me to look at things a different way.  Even if I didn't know what the heck was happening, I was following someone who did, someone who wanted me safe and loved me.  He helped me understand many things and I continued to learn and grow; I saw more of a more correct picture of reality or truth, or as I learned to think of it 'the way God sees things'.  It has had me on my knees many times since then, questioning my knowledge, my pride, my self worth, my desires, etc.  And I can't say that I've completely conquered it yet.
     Now my life has changed in a new way.  I'm on the other side of the fence.  In the last few months I've had 2 children move into my house and for the first time I'm a full time parent of sorts.
     I've had the opportunity to practice my parenting skills for 7 1/2 years now since I met Lyle and had the opportunity to try and care for Taylor and Annie without any prior parenting experience...except bossing around my younger siblings which was quite fun on the whole, though probably not exactly the training I needed.  When I met Lyle's kids they were 8 and 6 years old, their minds still young and malleable.  They looked up to me and thought I knew what I was talking about (sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't, sometimes I thought I did when I really didn't), but they respected my knowledge and experience.
     We've had many experiences together and life has moved on.  Years pass and all of a sudden they are now the (gasp) teenagers!  I've changed in their eyes.  I have become someone who doesn't know anything.  Where they used to care about my advice and want my good opinion, they now think they know everything (ironically exactly how I did when I was their age...go figure) and that I don't understand them, enjoy being mean and making them follow rules, am extremely annoying in expecting them to keep their word, etc.  All of a sudden I once again know absolutely nothing.  And although I laugh knowing that it's partly a phase and that they'll have their chance to learn about their complete lack of understanding of life, their new opinion of me hurts a bit.  The sad part is that they are right.
     I always thought, like most people probably, that I knew a thing or two about parenting.  I recognize the fact that because I haven't had children of my own, there are parts of my knowledge that is woefully lacking, but I do have common sense, a strong morality, and I've learned to put my big girl panties on and do the hard parts of parenting without too much embarrassment.  But just like in my early adulthood, I've come to understand that I know so much less than I thought I did.
     I remember being a teenager, I remember the feelings, struggles, pressures, confusion, divided loyalties, not knowing who I was or what I wanted and so many more things that go with that stage of life, and yet sometimes I now feel that since my own experience, somehow or another teenagers became a completely different species, as yet unknown to humankind...or at least to me.  When did that happen?  They talk funny, worry about stupid things (in my opinion), want to wear the most horrid clothes.  One minute they want my help while the next they have everything completely in their control and know exactly what they're doing so just leave them alone, thank you very much.  The thing I find going through my mind the most often these days goes something like this:  'Wha...huh?  What the heck are they talking about?  What are they doing?  That makes no sense whatsoever!  Just keep cool, Laura, keep cool.'  I try to fake that I know what I'm doing, but I have a terrible feeling that they smell my insecurity, rather like my copier at work smells my fear that it will jam again and so it does jam just to spite me.  What's am I supposed to do now?
     I guess I should learn from my past experiences and go to the One who does know what the heck to do, since I clearly haven't the foggiest idea.  Somehow the Lord still understand teenagers, and I mean actually understands them as opposed to thinking they do like I did.  I have no idea how to influence my stepson to think about the consequences of his actions before he makes his choices.  I am at a complete loss as how to help my stepdaughter truly understand her worth, which I know will empower her in so many ways.  How, in the name of the every loving stars,  do you get your teenager to WANT to go to school, eat good stuff, brush their teeth, go to bed somewhere before dawn, look at their future, not spend every waking moment on social media or on their cell phones, be totally enthralled at what they call my 'lectures' and most importantly to want to have a testimony and a relationship with the Lord?
     Sheesh!  I'm totally exhausted just trying to figure it out!
     I guess I'll just have to keep in tune with the spirit, make greater strides toward being understanding and having patience (ha ha, that's a laugh), and most of all love them no matter what.  I think I'll leave the rest to Someone who knows a lot more than good old Mrs. Know-It-All (yours truly).

The Agency Puzzle

   Here I go again, blogging.  I'm thankful for this blog.  It's been something to help me process thoughts and events that happen in my life.  Many of the blogs I post are things I struggle with, so even if I have found good answers to some of my questions that bother me, I still struggle activating those principles in my life, but I'm thankful for the chance to learn and grow anyway.  

What a ham!  Lyle not wanting
a good pic taken and Annie
tolerating him.

     Those of you who know me know that the last month of life has been more trying than usual.  And since I tend to be a whiner, that's saying something.  I'll leave out most of the details to protect the involved parties but in the process of trying to deal with some family problems, my 14 yr old stepdaughter, Annie, ran away.  She was gone for 3 1/2 days before she contacted my husband to pick her up.  She is now living with us (before she was at our house 1 weekday night a week and every other weekend).  As you can imagine, I've felt a huge array of emotions on the spectrum during the events that lead up to this experience and the resulting adjustments, which have concluded in some profound thoughts to go along with them.
     During the first night when Annie was gone and we had no idea where she was, who she was with, what was happening to her, etc, I got physically sick and spent half the night near the toilet. As I sat there cooling myself on the bathroom floor, my thoughts revolved around agency.  Why does God allow us to use our agency to make choices that hurt other people?  Many times in our lives we suffer at the hands of others.  How do we reconcile ourselves to the fact that life is ultimately unfair and that we have no control to change others actions?
     Annie was hurt by someone and her choice was to run away from the situation.  This choice hurt those closest to her who love her and were worried about her, and during the whole thing I sat there helpless to force either of these people make the choices I felt would have resulted in peaceful coexistence.  Frustration, anger and hurt mounted though I had not made the choices that had resulted in the events that transpired.  How is that fair?  It's not.  And this is not by far the worst consequences someone has ever had to pay because of the decisions of others.  So why would Heavenly Father allow suffering to the innocent at the hands of those who either make mistakes and bad decisions or purposely inflict pain on others for their own purposes?
     I know I'm not the only one who asks these questions.  I know people who have given up that God exists or that He loves because of the presence of trials and afflictions in this life, especially those which occur at the hands of other people.  So I thought I'd apply myself to thinking about how I feel about this question, which I trip over myself on a somewhat regular basis.  I think pondering this has helped me feel a little bit better and a little bit wiser.  We'll see how much of that hangs around when things are back to normal.
     As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (i.e. a Mormon) I've been taught what is called the 'Plan of Salvation' since I was a child.

   

     I believe that before this life we all lived with our Heavenly Father in a premortal existence where we were presented with Heavenly Father's plan which would enable us to come to Earth, gain a body and have the opportunity to live a mortal life after which, if we were faithful we would be able to live with Heavenly Father for all eternity, now perfected beings, in glory and love.  A very important part of this plan was free will or agency.  Even in this premortal existence we were given agency.  Lucifer and a significant part of Heavenly Father's children decided to rebel against him because He could not guarantee our return to Him and because He chose His Son, Jesus Christ, to be the central part of His plan- to become a Savior and suffer for our sins, since because of free will, we would sometimes choose wrong and sin and no longer be able to return to God's presence without a reconciling of justice and mercy.  We chose the plan including Jesus Christ and came to this Earth to live our lives, to learn and grow, hopefully, into the people who will use our agency to choose to use Christ's Atonement and return to the spirit world in a state of progression which will lead to eternal life.
     However, not all of us know about the plan of salvation or what it can do for us (which is why Heavenly Father wants us to share it with those around us who don't know about it), and there are others who do know who choose not to accept it.  In addition, some of us who do know about the plan don't completely understand it, while others, because of our mortal condition still slip up and sin sometimes.  Many of these sins inevitably lead to hurting others.
     C.S. Lewis in his book, "The Problem of Pain" says referring to a widespread argument against God's willing such a plan for us: "'If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty He would be able to do what He wished.  But the creatures are not happy.  Therefore God lacks either goodness, or power, or both.'  This is the problem of pain, in its simplest form."  So does God exist?  If so is he powerless?  Is he not as good as people believe?  Or could there be a fourth option which we, as humans, find difficult to understand?  At one time or another I've wondered if the first three could be right.  But the sum experiences of my life and relationship with God have lead me to believe that the fourth is the ultimate truth.
     There is this same argument for the fact that God lets us suffer at all, even when it's not at the hands of other people, but today I'd like to address why He allows us to suffer when others make bad choices and we suffer the consequences.
     I turn to C. S. Lewis to discuss the arguments presented: "His Omnipotence means power to do all that is intrinsically possible, not to do the intrinsically impossible.  You may attribute miracles to Him, but not nonsense.  This is no limit to His power.  If you choose to say 'God can give a creature free will and at the same time withhold free will from it', you have not succeeded in saying anything about God: meaningless combinations of words do not suddenly acquire meaning simply because we prefix to them the two other words 'God can'.  It remains true that all things are possible with God: the intrinsic impossibilities are not things but nonentities.  It is no more possible for God than for the weakest of His creatures to carry out both of two mutually exclusive alternatives; not because His power meets an obstacle, but because nonsense remains nonsense even when we talk it about God."
     I think many people don't realize that though God has all power, he still has rules by which He is bound; for instance the law of obedience.  If God chose to go against this law (though in His perfected state that could not happen), He would cease to be God.  He would no longer have power or glory if He could not obey His own laws.  Though it is possible for our Heavenly Father to help us, to try to encourage and influence us to make good choices and to consider others in our decisions, He cannot take away the choice of even one person and yet still allow this person to keep their free will.  It is completely self contradictory and therefore impossible.  So although Heavenly Father is all powerful, He cannot stop one person from hurting another without taking away that same free will which allows us to make choices to love and help each other.  It is simply not possible.
      In addition, C.S. Lewis has to say: "The permanent nature of wood which enables us to use it as a beam also enables us to use it for hitting our neighbor on the head...We can, perhaps, conceive of a world in which God corrected the results of this abuse of free will by His creatures at every moment: so that a wooden beam became soft as grass when it was used as a weapon, and the air refused to obey me if I attempted to set up in it the sound-waves that carry lies or insults.  But such a world would be one in which wrong actions were impossible, and in which, therefore, freedom of the will would be void; nay, if the principle were carried out to its logical conclusion, evil thoughts would be impossible, for the cerebral matter which we use in thinking would refuse its task when we attempted to frame them.  All matter in the neighborhood of a wicked man would be liable to undergo unpredictable alterations.  That God can and does, on occasions, modify the behavior of matter and produce what we call miracles, is part of Christian faith; but the very conception of a common, and therefore stable, world, demands that these occasions should be extremely rare.  In a game of chess you can make certain arbitrary concessions to your opponent, which stand to the ordinary rules of the game as miracles stand to the laws of nature.  You can deprive yourself of a castle, or allow the other man sometimes to take back a move made inadvertently.  But if you conceded everything that at any moment happened to suit him- if all his moves were revocable and if all your pieces disappeared whenever their position on the board was not to his liking- then you could not have a game at all.  So it is with the life of souls in a world: fixed laws, consequences unfolding by causal necessity, the whole natural order, are at once limits within which their common life is confined and also the sole condition under which any such life is possible.  Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself."
     Now as for the argument that if God loves us, He would not let us suffer.  "The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word 'love', and look on things as if man were the center of them.  Man is not the center...We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us...'"  We need to forget about ourselves and think about the nature of God if we truly want to understand Him.  1 John 4:8 "He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love."  Love is so central to His character that the scriptures actually say, "God is love".  So if He really is love, why would he allow suffering?
     Joseph Smith, a modern prophet, was persecuted severely for bringing forth the Church of Jesus Christ once more on the earth.  At one time, he was taken away from family and friends and imprisoned for false charges while the Saints, or followers, of Christ's church were innocently enduring horrible pains at the hands of mobs.  Joseph in despair asked of God, as many of us have at times, "O God, where art thou?...How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people...?"  His answer came, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."  He later adds, "If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;...And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.  The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater than he?  Therefore, hold on thy way...fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."
     If Heavenly Father, truly loving his Only Begotten Son, allowed Him to suffer for the sins of the world, for every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain each of us will ever experience, though He was pure, in order to make it possible for us to gain salvation and live with Him again, can we truly expect that we will not have trials and suffering?  We certainly do not have the goodness that Christ did.  Why would we have an life free from persecution when the Son of God didn't?  The wonder of God is that even though we may experience truly horrible things at the hands of others and because of their free agency which God cannot take away, He can truly make these things become a way to strengthen us, if we let Him.  He can no more force us to accept His offering of help and healing anymore than He can stop someone from hurting us, but the offer is always there for us whenever we choose to accept it.
     So I guess there's no getting around the truth that when there is free will, there will be abuse of it at the same time.  What a hard thing for us to have to accept.  It's easy for me to sin in a way that hurts someone else and apologize, have my apology accepted and think that all is well, but to accept that someone else has that right as well, someone who may sin in different ways and hurt others even more, and who may not be sorry at all at what they have done, is an entirely difficult thing to have to come to terms with.  And yet, this is how free will works.  How do I find acceptance or even peace in such times when my heart is torn because of the actions of others?  Here I think is the most puzzling part, because the answer seems to be one word: faith.
     We're asked to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  That means all the time.   That means even when its hard.  Heavenly Father has said through scripture on numerous occasions that He has the ultimate control of His plan, that we should not be afraid and that all will receive justice and mercy in the end according to their desires, thoughts, words and actions.  How do we let go and have faith that He means what He says and that He really does know what He's doing; that He really will be able to take care of everything in the end?  Because we cannot see how He will take care of it, it's hard for us to be reconciled to this idea.
     I thought of an analogy once a number of years ago which has helped me with faith.  I am not personally a fan of jigsaw puzzles but my mother-in-law really likes them.  I see her set up a card table and open a 1000 piece puzzle and start the process of fitting each of them into place, one by one.  I know when I was little I would get frustrated when there was a certain piece that didn't seem to fit anywhere.  Did the manufacturers get a good laugh including a piece that won't fit while frustrating us as consumers?  I would look on the front of the box which usually showed what the puzzle would look like when fitted together and wonder where the heck that piece went.  Ultimately I'd have to set it to the side and come back to it when I had more of the puzzle done.  I've yet to hear of a puzzle where there are superfluous pieces which have nothing to do with the puzzle included in the box.  Somewhere or another, that piece will fit.  I just need to be patient and work on other things until, after completing more of the puzzle, I pull it out and try again to see where it fits.

     Maybe this is what we need to do when we don't completely understand a piece of the gospel puzzle.  Exercise faith and realize that even though we can't understand where or how that puzzle piece fits, that Heavenly Father does, and that someday when we're more progressed, we may be able to fit it in and understand better.
     I hope I understand agency a bit better now and that I'll choose to have faith even though I can't see how everything will be in the end.  It's a good thing an all knowing and all powerful God is in charge and not me.

Laura v Mornings

     It's been too long since I've blogged.  Even though I love it, my current life keeps me busier than I would hope and I haven't had much time, energy or even ideas to blog about as a consequence.  So I'm thankful for a fun idea to blog about today.  Quite frankly, I've been trying to find something ridiculous to blog about lately and today my friend Amanda gave me a great idea.  So here goes

Laura v. Mornings

     Mornings have, from the dawn of time, been a bane to civilized man's existence.  Each mornings brings tiredness, the forcing of oneself out of bed (which is quite unhealthy in itself), painful and dangerous stumbling, and a propensity to sound like an idiot while the mouth opens spewing forth random drivel while the brain synapses are trying to fire, engaging the dormant part of the mind to awaken and participate in what is deemed appropriate conversation.  Many a daybreak I have longed for reprieve only to suffer disappointment, emotional trauma and even physical affliction and yet persistently every emergence of the sun brings with it renewed agony.  My proposition, ladies and gentlemen, is simply this: to ban morning time and aid the millions suffering from its cold, heartless stranglehold.

     My argument is as follows: as Americans, under the Eighth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, we are protected from 'cruel and unusual punishments'.  I boldly state that mornings directly violate this right and therefore should be abolished henceforth.

     In Furman v Georgia, 408 U.S. 238 (1972) Justice Brennan wrote, "There are, then, four principles by which we may determine whether a particular punishment is 'cruel and unusual'."  Let us examine this supposition further while addressing these principles.

     1. The "essential predicate" is "that a punishment must not by its severity be degrading to human dignity," especially torture.

     I ask you to examine the evidence:

 

     Ladies and gentlemen, can you truly answer me in the negative, seeing the evidence for yourselves, that first light is not, by severity, degrading to the human dignity?

     2. A severe punishment that is obviously inflicted in wholly arbitrary fashion.

     Mornings are not random, but quite predictable and are in fact not 'unusual' at all.  There are those who would argue that under this stipulation, the dawning of a day no longer fits the requirements of 'cruel and unusual punishments'.  However, Justice Brennan also wrote that he expected no state would pass a law obviously violating any one of these principles, so court decisions regarding the Eighth Amendment would involve a "cumulative" analysis of the implication of each of the four principles.  In this way, the United States Supreme Court "set the standard that a punishment would be cruel and unusual, if it was too severe for the crime, if it was arbitrary, if it offended society's sense of justice, or if it was not more effective than a less severe penalty.  I therefore declare this principle to be null and void for the case in point.

     3. A severe punishment is clearly and totally rejected throughout society.

     And here we have a true argument.  Are not the moments of waking in early hours of the day generally an accepted practice in today's society?  Sadly yes.  There are even those who cherish those moments each day, as strange as it may seem.  I can only pray for such misguided souls and hope that they will see the error of their ways.  However, the argument remains, how can mornings qualify as 'cruel and unusual' if they are given credence to and practiced today?  Here my reasoning says, "But aren't there punishments which are now considered torturous that were once received throughout society as acceptable?"  As our culture and communities grow, so do our understandings of what truly damages our well being.  Though our traditional conventions are accepted, does that mean that they are always to remain so, if they deter the growth and progress of the human experience in such an anguishing manner?
     In Trop v. Dulles, 356 U.S.86 (1958), Chief Justice Earl Warren said: "The Eighth Amendment must draw its meaning from the evolving standards of decency that mark the progress of a maturing society."  Subsequently, the Court has looked to societal developments, as well as looking to its own independent judgment, in determining what are those "evolving standards of decency".
     Though there are those in society who would look down upon this proposition with extreme prejudice, there are also among us enlightened souls who see the injustice of the imposing of this superfluous addendum to the daylight hours and would swiftly see it eradicated.  We must consider the overall good of society in this instance and abolish the dawn forthwith.

     4. A severe punishment that is patently unnecessary.

     Does this point really have to be argued at all?

     In closing my proposal, I would simply like to state that I believe that I have shown the evidence required to rightly petition a ban on all mornings.  They have proven in my life to be a agonizing time of day which truly causes rifts in my daily lifestyle and cruel happenstances, the detrimental results of which may only be able to be determined through future generations.  I respectfully request that you find mornings guilty and that they are from this moment on, deprived of appearing.

     The motion has been presented.  Is there anyone who will second this motion?

     Seconded?

     All who are in favor say "Aye".

     Motion passed.

     Mornings are henceforth abolished in accordance with this new decree and all early hours of the day that are found in a state of noncomformity can kiss a part of my body which is not displayed to the general public.

     Thank you.

More Gratitude Give Me

     Up!  Up!  The sun is getting up.  The sun gets up.  So up with you!...Up!  Up!  Great day for up!  Wake up every person, pig and pup till EVERYONE on Earth is up!  (Dr. Seuss)

     What with the beautiful, bright days we've currently been having, why shouldn't we be waking up happy and shiny, ready to start a new day with enthusiasm and satisfaction?...Uh, well for me probably because I'm not normally such a sunny riser.  My husband is though.  Poor guy.  Many times I keep my early morning grumpiness to myself, but occasionally he's ended up feeling the wrath of Laura when it's a bit too early and he's a bit too cheerful.  Still, I wish I was more like him.  Or Chase for that matter.  That little boy is always singing and dancing around just happy as a lark in whatever situation he's in.  Lately something he's been saying in his prayers has got me thinking.

     He's had some pretty cute or thought provoking things he says during his addresses to our Heavenly Father.  He frequently thanks the Lord for His sacrifice and dying for us, he prays for his mother's health many times, I even remember him once praying that Lyle and I would let him stay up an extra hour that night- he doesn't like going to bed much.  And once he said (talking about my sister), "Please bless Amy to feel better, even though she's dead."  It was hard not laughing at that...so innocent and thoughtful.  I love children's prayers.  

     Most of us who routinely pray notice that, sad as it is, prayers become just that...routine.  This is probably the reason we bless doughnuts and cookies so as to 'nourish and strengthen our bodies' when in reality we know it doesn't change the caloric intake or fat content of those sweets.  I admit, I'm someone who does this in my personal prayers sometimes, but Chase has one thing he says in almost every prayer that I hadn't remembered hearing in other prayers before.  After addressing the Almighty, he starts out the main body of his prayer by saying the simple words, 'Thank you for the life that we have.'  To him it's routine.  To me, it's touching.

     Chase's life isn't bad, but he's had some things he's had to see and deal with in his life that I wouldn't want for any child.  Thankfully, Chase's nature is just so normally happy...also a bit mischievous and very active...but essentially pleasant, loving and happy.  My own nature is very different.  I have struggled with depression since before I was Chase's age.  I didn't know back then what it was, and I don't mean to say that I've never been happy or that I never am now.  But I've never been a 'glass-is-half-full' kind of gal.  I think of myself as a realist, which to me means that sometimes I expect things to go good and other times bad.  But deep inside I frequently struggle to be happy and grateful.  It's always been a fight for me to see the blessings in life.  Shockingly my thoughts rarely revolve around lollipops, butterflies or sunshine.  Sometimes I truly forget to look at every part my life, not just the stressful or anxiety inducing aspects of it.

     "In the beloved children's story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the mysterious candy maker Willy Wonka hides a golden ticket in five of his candy bars and announces that whoever finds one of the tickets wins a tour of his factory and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

     " Written on each golden ticket is this message: 'Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket...!  Tremendous things are in store for you!  Many wonderful surprises await you!...Mystic and marvelous surprises...will...delight,...astonish, and perplex you.'

     "In this classic children's story, people all over the world desperately yearn to find a golden ticket.  Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether of not a golden ticket falls into their hands.  In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar.  The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket...

     "The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

     "This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals.  Never stop striving for the best that is within you.  Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart.  But don't close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day's ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

     "The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments.  They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives.  These are they who are truly happy." (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Oct 2011 'Forget Me Not')

     

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining:

Thy fate is the common fate of all:

Into each life some rain must fall,

Henry Wadsworth  Longfellow

     Because it may not come to me easily to be thankful and see the good in things, I've had to teach myself how to find and hold on to the good moments.  A number of years ago, my sister Amy and I were at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building for one reason or another that I don't quite remember.  We went up to the second floor of that majestic place and took in our surroundings and the beauty around us.  Then Amy decided we should sing.  Those who have had the misfortune never to have known Amy, don't know what a grateful heart she had and that she looked for the beauty in everything, so this request wasn't unusual; nor was her choice of songs: All Creatures of Our God and King.  Amy had a clear and beautiful voice and I added my alto to her soprano.  As we sang together and could hear slight echos of our music bounced back at us.  The harmonies of this song are truly magnificent and it was an amazing moment to sing aloud with my sister and praise God in such a beautiful setting.  I'll never forget that day.  Amy died a couple of years after that, but I've always remembered the peace and beauty of those moments with her, even when it hurts to think about her and even though we'll never have the chance to do it again in this life.  Consequently that hymn has become my favorite one and I can't sing it without thanks in my heart for that experience and that Heavenly Father allowed me to be her sister.

     Many other things in my life have been a struggle but through the trials, the Lord helps me find the good.  He helped me find the good in Amy's death, my divorce, and now he's helping me find things to be happy about in my infertility.  Namely, I have time to spend concentrating on my marriage, I can sleep in on weekends, I have money (though not tons) to spend on myself and have more time to myself than most moms, I think.  Though I would trade all of these for children of my own, I am determined to have something to be thankful for during this time of testing. I've also become a more compassionate person.  And the best blessing of all: it's helped me to have a closer relationship with my Savior.

     "It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way.  But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach?

     "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation?  In other words, I'm suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances- whatever they may be...

     "My dear brothers and sisters, the choice is ours.  We can choose to limit our gratitude, based on the blessings we feel we lack.  Or we can choose to be like Nephi, whose grateful heart never faltered.  When his brothers tied him up on the ship- which he had built to take them to the promised land- his ankles and wrists were so sore 'they had swollen exceedingly,' and a violent storm threatened to swallow him up in the depths of the sea.  'Nevertheless,' Nephi said, 'I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions.'

     "We can choose to be like Job, who seemed to have everything but then lost it all.  Yet Job responded by saying, 'Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return...: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'

     "We can choose to be like the Mormon pioneers, who maintained a spirit of gratitude during their slow and painful trek toward the Great Salt Lake, even singing and dancing and glorying in the goodness of God.  Many of us would have been inclined to withdraw, complain, and agonize about the difficulty of the journey.

     "We can choose to be like the Prophet Joseph Smith, who, while a prisoner in  miserable conditions in Liberty Jail, penned these inspired words: 'Dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed'...

     "We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is.  How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?" (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2014 'Grateful in Any Circumstances'

     In those times when I've desired to see the blessings and have asked for divine help in finding them, they appear; and in abundance.  After all, the Lord knows exactly how much he's given each one of us, so he definitely knows how to show them to us as the blessings they are.

     "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;...To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..." (Isaiah 61:1,3)

     Interesting that this is part of the scriptures that Jesus chose to read in the synagogue to announce that he was the Messiah.  Those the onlooking Pharisees were angered by this announcement, I'm comforted to learn that He wanted us to understand that He has the power to give us 'beauty for ashes'.  If we come to Him with a contrite heart and a desire to be grateful and we give Him our heavy burdens, He returns to us with knowledge of our blessings and greater faith to carry on.  He does then ask that we take that faith and press forward, sometimes into the darkness, in order to obey His commandments or to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  But I think it's okay if we get banged up and broken a bit while we're out there struggling in the dark, because really, if we have His spirit in us then our cracks will only shine with His light.

       So here's to my enduring efforts to be more grateful and to recognize the good things all around me. "Hast thou not seen how all thou needest hath been granted in what he ordaineth?" (Hymn 72, Praise to the Lord, the Almighty)  I want to be thankful for the life that I have.