Have an Ice Day, Nice Snowin' Ya!

January.  Ah, is there anything like it?  No?  Good.

Oh the joy!

     Does it ever seem to you like all the excitement after the holidays dies down and now we're in a sunless snow filled month with no holidays in sight?  Okay.  Well, there is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, right?  But this January has been colder and bleaker than most in my opinion, weatherwise anyway.  Lots of snow, lots of ice.  

Taylor using the shovel for playtime!

     One of the great joys of homeownership, I've learned is outside work.  In the springtime it's cleaning out the gardens and replanting.  Or if you're like me, looking at everyone else doing that and thinking how I really should get around to doing that.  There's also getting the sprinkling system up and working again after the winter.  And then there's the mowing.  That's a whole story in its own right!  Our lawn is a mutant lawn, I think.  Different parts grow at different lengths and all of them grow faster than the neighbors of course.  And don't even get me started on the weeding!

     But in the winter, the diverting chores (hardy har!) are all about snow and ice.  It snows.  You shovel.  Then it shows some more.  So you shovel some more.  A few weeks ago when we had the really bad snow storm I was out shoveling.  And the snow kept getting stuck to my shovel.  So I kicked the shovel and the snow fell out.  I made the mistake of thinking that this was a good solution.  After much kicking of the shovel (Hey, come on!  There was a ton of shoveling to do!) I finally kicked it so hard that for a minute I thought I had broken my toe.  See here's my gross toe picture.  It really was much worse than it looks in this pic.   (Aren't you glad you showed up at my blog this week?)

     Now in January we've progressed.  Now it's not snow, it's freezing rain and ice.  Many days when I take my lunch break from work I go home and eat since I live close to my work.  Yesterday, I went out and EVERYTHING had ice on it.  I almost fell down like 4 times just walking to my car.  Then I had to scrape all the ice off my windshield and almost fall again getting in to the car.  The roads weren't too bad until you got to my street.  Nobody had salted it yet and it was a complete sheet of ice.  Then I turn into my driveway, which mind you has an incline and -surprise, surprise- is pure ice as well, and I got stuck going up it.  I was kind of scared for a little while.  I finally ended up getting my car into the garage.  I had to sprinkle rock salt all over the driveway and hope that I would be able to get back out so I could return to work.  Which went much better, by the way.

     And haven't you been enjoying the inversion these past few weeks, fellow Salt Lake-ians?  Mmm...just what I love.  Breathing air I can actually see!  Yuncky!  (That's a word my friend made up and we use it.  It means yucky...with a Kick!)

     Ah well, life includes a little sliding every now and then.  Can't have blue skies every day.  Might get kind of boring.

The wonderful Katie and Briant

     I did however escape the Salt Lake air last week.  Lyle and I went to St. George with our friends Briant and Katie.  Briant's parents have a place there so we didn't have to pay for a hotel and we brought food to eat.  People ask what we did while we were there, and to tell you the truth we did almost nothing cool.  It was so relaxing and absolutely blissful!  Briant had a couple of fabulous movies I'd never seen:  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra and Dark and Stormy Night.  All you other stupid movie fans rejoice!  They were excellent.  Lyle doesn't like stupid movies as much as I do, but we did watch a movie just for him too.

Doesn't Lyle look so happy having his picture taken?

     Ah, the dryer is done.  Back to more laundry.  Hope you have a great week and enjoy this...um...very unique weather we've been having!

Laura

Not to Brag, But...

Here's me blowing my own horn!

And now, folks, if you'll put your hands together for, well, ME!   
     I've meant to talk about some of my accomplishments at one point, so now's a good a time as any.  I realize that this might sound a bit prideful, so I've chosen to joke about it so I feel less uncomfortable doing this.  Although I've always struggled with my self worth and confidence, which is something I think may surprise some people, there are a few things in my life I've done that I'm proud of.  And I think I've the need to remind myself of them sometimes.
    I guess the first thing I'll touch on will be my clinical depression.  This is probably another surprise for people who recognize me as a smiling, outgoing person.  It runs in my extended family and I happen to be the recipient of this curse/blessing in my immediate family.  My dad suffered from it so I saw the effects of it first hand growing up.  Though I felt it even as a child it wasn't until I was a teenager that it became a huge problem.  Towards the end of high school it had gotten to the point where I couldn't function on a normal level.  For a number of years afterward it crippled me.  I had a hard time with relationships- it was a contributing factor in the dissolving of my first marriage.  I couldn't do things I wanted to- I was sent home from my mission early because of it.  There was even a suicide attempt.  Sufficed to say, it's been the biggest challenge of my life.  It took time and a great amount of help from the Lord to help me into a place where I realized that I had the power to change it.  I got a good therapist to help me and for the first time in my life forged a relationship with the Savior and with their help learned how to change my whole life, starting with my thinking patterns.  It's the hardest work I've ever done.  But I learned how to manage my depression and this is the thing I'm proudest of myself for.  It's something I'll always struggle with, but I know now where to look for peace and how to look at things differently.

     I graduated from Massage Therapy school.  Not to much after learning how to manage my depression, my sister died from cancer then my first marriage ended in divorce.  About a month later I enrolled in massage therapy school.  I had never gone to college, it wasn't possible for me right after high school.  But I needed something in my life to show myself what I could do.  It was a year long program.  I worked full time during the day and went to classes at night and halfway through the year started with clinicals at the college on weekends too.  It was really tiring but I stuck with it and graduated with a 4.0 from the school.  Though I haven't practiced in the workplace and it's been a long time, I still am proud of the work I put into it to strengthen my confidence that I can do hard things even when times are hard.

     A few months after I graduated from massage school, my mom approached me with a question.  She knew of a coworker who's daughter had kidney failure and needed a kidney.  My mother asked how I would feel about her donating to help this woman.  I was immediately thrilled.  We discussed it and I decided to be tested as well.  We both knew how it was to lose a loved one through disease.  And though Amy died from cancer and no one could have saved her, we knew that if someone would have been able to help her, we would have wanted that more than anything.  And now was our chance to help someone who was dying.  We both went in and were tested.  I ended up being the closes match and in Aug 2003 I gave a kidney to Beth.  It was a very humbling experience.  I know I did something wonderful for her, but I think I got more out of it than she did.  It was one time that I realized I was leaving the world a better place than I had found it.  I felt so blessed to be able to do this for her.  My mom wanted very much to still donate so through Intermountain Donor Services she donated through their Good Samaritan program in 2004.  People who want to donate a kidney but don't know someone who needs it can sign up and be tested.  Then they're able to donate to the person highest on the waiting list who is a match.  My sister Alyson felt strong enough about this as well that in 2007 she also donated through the Good Samaritan program.  If you're interested in learning more please go to: Intermountain Donor Services
     I've always been an active person.  I did dance all through junior high and high school and loved it.  In 2004 a friend approached me about trying out a Tae Kwon Do lesson with her.  I immediately loved it.  A chance to learn new moves with my body at the same time as learning how to defend myself was something I took to well.  I even ended up working for the studio for a few months recruiting and teaching.  It took a couple of years, which is pretty quick actually, and I received my black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  Though it's something I couldn't continue due to money and time, it was something I always loved and will remember for a long time.  It helped remind me of what a blessing it was to have a health body and to appreciate the ability to move it, to some extent, however I chose.  It was also very hard physically.  And it taught me another lesson in sticking something out when it's hard.

     The last accomplishment I guess I'd add is that of being a wife and a stepmom.  After my first failed marriage it was hard to prepare myself to be ready to marry again.  Though I was a different person now, it was a little intimidating thinking of trying to be a different kind of wife this time.  And I chose someone who already had kids.  That changes everything.  It was really difficult learning how to be a mother figure to kids who already had a mother.  It's still a big challenge sometimes.  I've learned a lot about getting along with different personalities through relationships with Lyle, the kids and their mother.  And I've learned lessons in how to love people even if they're not making the decisions you would.  I think this particular lesson will last many more years to come and I'm sure I'll have opportunities to learn much more.

Laura
     

The Ball and Chain

Just Married: Ken and Joan.  Congratulations and here's to a happy life together!

Dad and Joan

     My dad got married on Jan 6th.  It was a nice ceremony.  I met Joan and her son Eric and his family.  I'm happy for my dad.  I can't wait to know my new stepmother better.  Watching them take this step has made me think of my marriage this week.  I've been remembering our dating and certain times and events that were significant right up to the current date.  So I decided to share some fun memories and experiences about my marriage.

Lyle, me, Joan, dad, Wendy and Mike

     On our first date Lyle and I went to an Eclipse Christmas concert.  One of the members of the band was my home teacher and gave me some tickets.  It was really fun.  The first time I met the kids we took them to Jungle Jim's and had a lot of fun playing together.  Boy, those rides say an adult can fit in them, and I did, but it wasn't exactly comfortable.
     I remember our first argument...or what I thought was our first argument.  We'd been dating and had been talking about getting married.  I wanted to make sure Lyle wasn't expecting some stellar super-wife, but a normal person so during the conversation I started telling him all my faults so he would know what he was getting into, potentially, by marrying me.  The conversation went a little along the lines of:

Laura: I'm not perfect and I don't want you thinking I am.  Then you'll be disappointed.  I can be pretty mean sometimes.

Lyle: I love you so much.

Laura: No, really.  I have bad PMS and I'm really grumpy in the morning.  And I have a temper too!  And I don't like people telling me what to do, either.

Lyle:  You're so wonderful!

Laura: I swear when I'm mad!  And sometimes when I'm mad I don't talk at all, or I get up and leave and go somewhere else or if you bother me enough I'll start yelling!

Lyle: I can't wait to marry you!

     I realized that I was going to have to trust that Lyle was still going to love me when I wasn't at my best.  Thank goodness, he has.  After the argument Lyle sat me in his lap and sang a song to me.  Not a love song.  I'm not sure why he sang Peter, Paul and Mary's "The Lemon Tree" to me since it actually talks about a father coaching his son not to trust in love, but ever since he did that, it's been one of my favorite songs.  My husband can sing, but he can't keep in tune.  And I absolutely love it when he sings to me!  He doesn't need to sound like an angelic choir, because when he sings to me I know he loves me.  And that's all that matters.  Besides, it's kind of cute when he's singing and he changes pitches in the middle of the song (multiple times) without meaning to.

     Lyle is SUCH a teaser.  He loves to tease me and the kids.  That's hard for some people to picture.  He can be shy when he first meets somebody and sometimes can come off as standoffish or somber but he really isn't. 

     He's super smart.  He does well with numbers, so he's constantly adding/multiplying/dividing/figuring percentages for numbers large enough that I would need a calculator or at least a paper and pencil to figure it out.  He's good with computers too.  He is constantly helping me, his parents, my mom, etc with computer problems.  

A typical response when Lyle's teasing me and I'm starting to get frustrated!

     We've been very happy in our marriage.  There are days he absolutely makes me nutty (though I'm thinking that says more about me than Lyle) but he's so loving and respectful towards me that it makes it hard not to do everything I can to make him happy.  He's an optimistic person which is good for me since I tend to the realistic or borderline pessimistic point of view.  He's also very good with finances.  He makes sure we always have credit cards paid off and are saving money.  He has a credit score of like 790!  He's extremely physically healthy.  Especially for his body type and weight.  And he may not look it but he's very fast.  He will beat you in a race every time!  

     We tend to be strict parents, but not harsh.  Our kids do well with chores and punishments at our house because he's so constant with his parenting style.  We also like to have a lot of fun with the kids (as mentioned Lyle teases them endlessly and they adore it).  We think of fun activities or just sit around and talk with each other which is very enjoyable too.  We have funny kids.  He's an excellent husband and father.

     We've all heard the analogy of marriage is like being shackled to a ball and chain.  Well, if that's the truth, then lock me up and throw away the key.  I love being married to Lyle!

Laura

A Beginning

     What did you do for New Year's?  I went to bed early.  What a partier.  Can't hold me back; I can snore with the best of 'em...at least my husband can.  I'm more of the occasionally talking in my sleep type, and snorting while I laugh (yes, I actually do that sometimes).  But I digress.

     I've never been a big one to follow 'New Year Resolutions'.  But I can't deny that the idea of another year gone has me a bit nostalgic.  What have I done with the last year of my life?  And what do I want for the new one?  Though they aren't really resolutions, there are a few things I'd like to change and do better this year.  So here goes:

     Confession time.  I've been terrible with my scripture reading this year.  I do have a deep love for the scriptures and they've brought great comfort to me over and over again.  Doggone it, why can't it be easier to read them, then?  Pardon my strong language, folks!  Maybe the frustration comes from knowing that at other times I've engaged myself more in the stories and the words and knowing that I'm not still doing it the same makes me feel...unworthy? guilty?  Well, whatever it is, I have a desire to feast on them and enjoy the feeling I get from the scriptures more this year.  My favorite scriptures is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, a reminder that I really do need the Lord and that if I let Him in, I do much better than I ever could all by myself.  Also, that the most special moments are not the times when everything's going right, but rather when things are going wrong,and yet I can feel the Lord with me and know that with His help, I will be able to handle them: For when I am weak, then am I strong.  And here's one I've been thinking of lately:  Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."  Boy, you can say that again.  Interestingly, I have written beside this scripture in pen the words: He is in control.  I think sometimes I try to hard to put the Lord in a little box, one that I feel I can influence, and then SURPRISE!  He doesn't do what I wanted and I get angry or sad or shocked.  Will I ever learn that His way is the right way, even if I can't understand it?  I fervently hope so.

What I should want to be eating

     Second thing I'd like to work on is my diet.  I've been pretty horrible this holiday season eating gluttonously all the delicious snacks I can, and I've enjoyed it too.  But my body doesn't agree.  Funny how when you fill it with junk, it just don't work the same.  Also, my waistline certainly hasn't been improved by my stay in Sugarville.  A few months ago, Lyle and I went on a 17 day no carb, high protein and veggie diet which we enjoyed.  And I actually did a lot better than I thought I would without all the good eatin' stuff I was thinking about.  So, now we've decided to do it again.  This is day 2 of no carbs, good fruits and veggies and lean proteins.  I'm excited.  But I want a sweet taste in my mouth to end with...not sure of the solution to that one.  I decided to reflect my thoughts about what I can't eat onto my blog template for this month so I could enjoy them some way (notice the cupcake and ice cream cone at the top).  I'll even throw in a picture of candy to make me feel better!

What I actually want to eat

     The last thing I've been thinking about is letting go of some of my grief.  Sometimes I think I've done this well, but it seems that it never stays away long.  It's been a constant companion for the last few years and as part of my continual efforts to become the person I want to be, I need to change my attitude toward my infertility.  This is REALLY hard thing to do!  Even thinking about it makes my stomach clench.  Why is it that even though I know it's not good for me, I cling to it?  I think it has something to do with my ongoing fear of failing and directly linked to my self worth, which has always been a struggling point for me.  I also think it's hard for me to realize that saying, "it's okay that I'm not a mom" is not the same as saying, "I'm happy with never having a child".  Even though this will be a challenge, there's still an excitement in me to keep working on it.  I want to do this.  I want to be happy with the blessings I've been given.
     I like words.  There are times when scriptures or poetry strikes me and I see things in a new light because of the way someone has strung together a bunch of words.  So I tend to write these down when inspiration hits.  Here's some lyrics I've been thinking of this month.

What I Need

All I ever wanted,

All I ever dreamed of,

Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for

Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given,

I've been given what I need.

A mansion on the hill or love like in the movies

Perfect little lives, where no one has a problem

Instead of all those things I thought I really wanted

I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand,

When I thought you had no heart,

Thank you for rejecting my demand

And always giving me the better part.

All I ever wanted,

All I ever dreamed of,

Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for

Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given

I've been given what I need.

Michael McLean

    I hope your New Year will be absolutely fabulous!  And good luck with your new goals!

Laura

Clever Title For My Christmas Blog Post

 

Sisters Debbie and Cynthia

Christmas Eve dinner

  Aw Christmas!  So much work and preparation go into making this one day a meaningful memory.  But so much fun and family come along with it.  Here's how our Christmas went:  Christmas Eve is spent with "The Cousins".  Debbie and my mom (Cynthia) are sisters.  They raised their families close to each other and we did many things together.  So even though I have 50 first cousins between my mom's and dad's families, Debbie's family was always referred to as "The Cousins".  We spend most Thanksgivings and Christmas Eve's together.  Even though we've grown older and have our own families now, most of us are still able to get together for the holidays.  Angie, who had a baby 4 days previously and Kelly, who was with his wife Laura's family weren't there this year.  Jessica was sick, but she made a last minute appearance for which we were all happy.  But the rest of us were together and I got some great pics.  

     We start off with a wonderful dinner which for some reason usually consists of chili for the main meal.  This year Jenny made some chicken noodle soup also and of course there's the veggies and other side dishes.  My mom always orders a Christmas wreath, a cinnamon pastry with cream cheese icing for dessert and this year we also had fruit pizza with yogurt.  Yum!  Then we sat around and talked and exchanged presents.  I got the new Marshall McDonald sheet music "Hymns for the Sabbath Day Vol. 2" which I love!  Aunt Debbie said it was to play on my new piano.  Thanks Aunt Debbie!

My wonderful Lyle squishing me

Uncle Greg   

Cousins Adam and Jenny

     When we were young we also acted out the nativity story.  We had an adult narrator and the rest of the people in the families slit up the parts of the Wisemen, shepherds, angels and of course Mary and Joseph.  We had costumes and everything. I was usually an angel.  I know, you're completely shocked!  And some years we go caroling with the cousins too. You should hear us sing!  My aunt and uncle were both in the Tabernacle Choir, my aunt and 2 cousins are music teachers and everyone in their family sings well.  It's like going caroling with a professional choir.  This year we weren't able to, but here's hoping for next year!

     We went back to my mom's house and watched Garfield's Christmas special which has been a favorite of mine and my siblings for many years.  Another one of my favorites is the Muppet Christmas Carol.  I didn't get to see that one yet this year, though.  Then my mom reads our Christmas Story.  It's titled "How Come Christmas".  This is one of my favorite traditions.  This year we had Lyle videotape my mom reading it so I could put it on the blog.  So without further ado, here she is.  You'll love the story.  It's so funny!  

     Christmas Day was hectic (usually is).  First we woke up and had Christmas at our house.  Annie had fun being Santa's helper this year.  We got a lot of Christmas goodies in our stockings.  I got Just Dance 4 for our Wii.  That's right, folks.  I'm a Just Dance-r.  I love it!  It's a fun form of exercise and sometimes the kids join in.  I can't wait to try the new one.  I'll have to humiliate myself by having Lyle taping me doing on of the dances and post it here.  That'll make you laugh!  Maybe I can get the kids to join in.  The kids got clothes, movies, books, games and other fun stuff.  Lyle got a new skillet and we got new sheets for the bed!  So funny the things we get excited about as adults.  

     Then we went to my mom's house.  She made French toast and Wendy and Mike brought breakfast casserole. We ate breakfast together.  My dad came.  We don't see him much during the year, but he's always there on Christmas.  He is a loving and silly man.  

     Then we opened presents.  Mom gave me Sherlock season 1!  I'm a bit of a Sherlock Holmes fan.  I love the original stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  The movies with Robert Downey Jr. are fun and the series Elementary on CBS, I watch with Lyle and my mom.  Sherlock is the BBC version of a modern day Sherlock Holmes set in London.  My sister Allie got me hooked on it.

Wendy w presents for baby Harper due in Feb

Annie and her coal (it's chocolate!)

Kurt the Squirt and his presents

Mike and Mom with the snowblower

Dad and Paul

           Christmas gifts between my siblings and the spouses and I, we draw names.  My brother-in-law Reed and his wife Heather drew Lyle and me this year.  They sent us to The Forgotten Carols last week.  I'd never been to it before.  It was so much fun.  I hope to go again another year.  Lyle drew my brother Kurt.  Kurt has a record player and loves vinyl.  We got him a Beatles record.  But when we were at the store, the owners had a lot of Barbra Streisand's Christmas album they were trying to get rid of for practically nothing (25 cents per record).  So we decided to play a joke on Kurt.  We wrapped up the BS album and gave it to him on Christmas.  You should have seen his face.  Everyone was laughing...except him.  But we then brought out the real album.  Oh, we're so evil!  A few of us kids chipped in and bought a snowblower for my mom this year.  Now that all the kids have moved out, we wanted to get her something that will make her life a little easier.  I'm excited to see how it will work for her.

Lyle and his mom (Grace)

Taylor, Annie and Grandpa Wickham

     Then we went to Lyle's parents house.  Because all of Lyle's sisters live out of state they hadn't had anyone to visit them yet.  Lyle's brother Rob and wife Marcie came while we were there.  Mom and Dad had a delicious lunch for us and we sat and talked together.  They gave our family a tent which we've been in need of.  They did really well in selecting presents for the kids.  For Taylor they got him a pocket watch.  He's wanted one for a while now.  It had a picture of a train on it.  Lyle's father, Ralph, is big into trains and has taken Taylor to train shows before.  For Annie they selected a charm bracelet and necklace that had magnetic, exchangeable charms with the YW values on them among other things.

     Then it was time to take the kids home to their mom's house.  Next year will be her year to have them on Christmas Eve and we'll pick them up on Christmas Day.

     Now I'm left with Christmas goodies, a tree to put down and wrapping paper and boxes that still need to be cleaned up.  I'm so thankful for such a great Christmas season and Christmas Day.

     Hope your Christmas was as wonderful as mine!

Laura

My Favorite Things

     Oh the weather outside is frightful!  And the shopping lines are anything but delightful.  And since we've still a number of places to go, let's wrap all the presents (that Lyle and I left until this morning) while it snows!  We did the shoveling.  Last minute presents bought.  Now I'm taking a few minutes to reflect on the joys the Christmas season has brought me.

     It's always fun when it's cold outside to eat something warm.  One of my favorites: chili cheese dogs in tortillas.  Yum!

With Sandra's homemade tortillas

     Taylor had a Christmas concert with his beginning percussion class.  He played different instruments on each song.  He played cymbals, marimba and tambourine among others.  It was so fun to go and watch as a parent.  He made me really proud.

Lyle and Taylor at his Christmas concert

     My sister Alyson came home from Boston for 2 weeks.  I miss her when she's gone, which is most of the time.  It's always fun to have her back.  She cooks good food (we had her homemade chicken noodle soup last night) and we go out and do fun things.  All the siblings and a few of our cousins went to Ichiban for sushi (yuck, not me, I had tempura).  And this week we're planning on seeing a few movies together.  She just finished her masters's degree in library science.  At the restaurant Allie says, "When I tell most people about my degree they think it's kind of lame."  I was thinking: "Yeah, someone who's got a master's degree is such a loser!" (please note the sarcastic tone to my thoughts!)

Wendy, Mike and Allie at Ichiban

Mom, Amy's son Josh, Allie and I at the grave

     We had our annual visiting of Amy's grave for Christmas.  Amy is my older sister, who at the age of 25 died from cancer.  We take time to go and sing Christmas carols to her and let her know we still miss her and are thinking of her at Christmas.  This year we left the wreath we brought and found that the pumpkin we had left on her tombstone for Thanksgiving had never been removed, had started to rot and then was frozen to the top of the gravestone.  Hmmm...Merry Christmas Amy?  Look what we got you!

Lyle and I at temple square

Me, Will, Sarah and their adopted son Liam

Me, Jim, Cassie and their kids

     Yesterday we went to temple square to see the lights.  I was in for some luck.  Some high school friends of mine called me up and invited me to go with them.  I haven't seen Will, Jim and Sarah in years.  But it was so fun to be together again.  When I was in my sophomore and junior years, we were pretty inseparable.  We've gone on our separate ways with our different lives but it's so fun to hear from them.

candy window ornament

   
      Lyle and I made a point of looking at the candy windows at Macy's.  I was so sad when they stopped doing those a few years ago and ecstatic to see them return.  Their theme this year was Christmas tree ornaments.  Here's the gigantic beehive ornament made entirely of candy.  Lock me up with it and throw away the key!

     I'm looking forward to tonight and Christmas day.  I'll take lots of pictures and blog about our Christmas traditions!

Happy Holidays!

Laura

An Exercise in Refusing Pickle Juice

     This is a post I've thought about writing since I've started my blog.  It's definitely something I've needed to ponder more and this gives me a good chance to address this woeful and gigantic weakness in me and hopefully take another step toward healing.
     January will mark 5 years since Lyle and I started trying for a baby.  And boy have I learned a lot since then!  The first year was just trying.  Years 2-4 were filled with visiting multiple doctors, being tested for various fertility problems, taking medications to see if they would do the trick, and when they didn't, trying insemination multiple times to see if we could get pregnant that way.  About a year ago after all of these had failed we were up against the options of IVF or adoption.  We prayed and talked and decided to try adoption.  So this year has been filled with qualifying for adoption...which in itself has been another kind of challenge.  This journey has been really rough on both Lyle and I (in different ways) and on our marriage as well.  Thankfully we both have strong testimonies and a commitment to each other that no matter what, we'll work out our problems.  But even so, this challenge has shaken me much more than I had expected.
     Many people don't realize the depth of grief that infertility causes.  In truth, I've been grieving for the last 5 years over the loss of the life of my child.  To the understanding heart, that will make sense.  I've watched people who don't love the kids they already have and don't want more, have another child so easily through sheer carelessness.  And I've seen people have had multiple pregnancies during the time I've been trying to have one.  I've had to listen to well meaning people give me advice about how to have kids: relax and it'll happen, just adopt and you'll get pregnant, drink the water over at so and so's house or workplace (they can't seem to stop having babies).  In fact, this picture pretty much depicts me in years 2-4 every day (we've had a lot of people at work who've had babies)!  And like most infertile women, I have fallen into the trap of anger, bitterness, and jealousy over what to me is the unattainable goal of conceiving and baring a child.  I once was waiting outside Costco while my husband was buying something inside.  It took him all of 15 minutes and in that time 15 different women passed me who were either noticeably pregnant or had a baby with them.  And I thought about tripping every single one of them!  Note:  I didn't actually trip any of them...nor do I kick small puppies, make fun of the elderly or talk on my cell phone in the movie theater, so don't consign me to hell just yet.
     This April Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave at talk at conference that really made me uncomfortable with some things he said. It was a fantastic talk!  And even though it hurt, it was something I SO needed to hear:
     "Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing...May I plead with us not to be hurt- and certainly not to feel envious- when good fortune comes to another person?  We are not diminished when someone else is added upon.  We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed...

     "Furthermore, envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving.  Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know!  What a bright prospect that is- downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment!  To say nothing of the chagrin in the end, when we find that God really is both just and merciful, giving to all who stand with Him 'all that he hath,' as the scripture says...So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind.  It is a happy way to live."  (The Laborers in the Vineyard, May 2012 Ensign)
     OUCH!  Okay, okay!  I get the message, Lord!  But how do I learn to be happy with the blessings I have (which are many) and not concentrate on the ONE blessing that I don't?  The obvious answer would be: to change my heart.
     The exercise in refusing pickle juice has begun!
     There are some things that I have felt have helped at different times.  Here are a few:  Remember the 1st principle of the gospel?  It's faith, right?  Actually, it's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  In other words, do I trust the Savior?  Do I trust him enough to keep all the promises he's made me?  If so, then that should bring comfort as long as I'm holding up the promises I've made to him.
     I've learned that it's okay to feel rotten about a rotten situation.  That I should not expect myself to be perfect and to accept having the anger or sorrow that comes this challenge.  It's okay to feel crappy.  As long as I'm willing to pick myself back up and go through another long, hard day with no miracle or answer, but with a renewed faith and strength to see the day through.
     I've been counseled in blessings during this trial to be patient.  When that happens I've thought?  I am being patient!  It's been years for heaven's sake!  And I still want this blessing and pray for it, so obviously I'm being patient right?  Wrong!  "Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears.  Patience means active waiting and enduring.  It means staying with something and doing all that we can- working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed.  Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" (Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, May 2010 Ensign)
     Woopsy!  I guess that means that I really haven't been that patient.  I've been jealous, bitter, and despairing.  I've also had times of hope and gratefulness too.  But I think this is something I need to work on.
     I've also learned that the answer to the question 'why is this happening to me' isn't really important.  The point is that this IS happening to me, and now what am I going to do with it?  My bishop once said to me (paraphrased), "There are some things in this life that we have no control over, that we can't do anything about.  What are you going to do in that situation?  The real question is 'will still you keep the covenants you made with your Heavenly Father or not'".  What a fabulous thing to say!  That's something that's helped me very much.

     I am also reminded how much I am loved by my Savior.  I once heard a saying: never doubt in the dark what you learned in the light.  I've been given a testimony that my Savior loves me personally.  I've needed to remember that during this trial when I've felt that my worth or worthiness in God's eyes has been in question.  In fact, not only does he love me, but he needs me to follow him.
     "In the hearts of many faithful disciples there is no question why or whether they need Christ.  Their private doubt is whether He needs them...Mistakenly we think that Jesus already has everything, but He doesn't.  He doesn't have you.  He doesn't have me- not until we give ourselves to Him.  Elder Neal A. Maxwell confirmed this truth when he taught, 'the submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar'...Through my righteous choice to give myself to God and Jesus, I bring them glory.  And in a world full of ignorance, apathy, and open rebellion, that offering matters.  It may seem small.  It may be limited, but it is not trivial..."  (Brad Wilcox, The Continuous Atonement, pgs 38, 39, 41)
     I'm so thankful to the Lord for being with me during this time and helping me learn so not only can I get through this messy trial, but that I can come through it a better person.
   
Whew!  Holy Long Post, Batman!
     Okay, if you're really just BEGGING for more, the last thing I would say is check out this article entitled: The Blessing of the Blackberry Bush.
     To all my dear infertile friends and to those who are still struggling with other trials, keep up the faith and choose to still believe!

Laura