The Pruning

Lyle and I at General Conference

     Truth: the last couple of months have been harder for me.  I've had sickness and oral surgery, serious worries about the stepkids and to add to that my depression has gotten worse again.  Every now and then it decides to rear its ugly head and make sure I know it's still there. Yes, Oh Powerful One, I acknowledge your annoying and hurtful presence.  With this particular struggle comes a dark backdrop to my life which produces feelings of worthlessness and in turn find a trigger in my continuing and unfulfilled desire to be a mother.  Oh goodie!  And just in time for all the hoopla celebrating Mother's Day (the worst day of the year for infertiles).
     I've been reading in Mosiah in my scripture study lately (yeah for me, I'm reading my scriptures!) and this week was reading chapter 23 which talks about Alma and his people who after being chased by King Noah's army into the wilderness settle in a land they called Helam.  Verses 20-22 tell us:
     'And it came to pass that they did multiply and prosper exceedingly in the land of Helam; and they built a city, which they called the city of Helam.
     'Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.
     'Nevertheless- whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day.  yea, and thus it was with this people.'
     The people of Alma were soon found by an army of Lamanites and ended up being enslaved and ruled by a wicked man named Amulon, a former priest of King Noah, who had joined with the Lamanites and found favor with their King.  Amulon put the people of Alma in bondage and had task masters watching over them.  They were even forbidden to pray.   Their afflictions were very great.
     One thing I find interesting in this story is that these were righteous people.  They were following the commandments and the Lord still allowed them to be put in a horrible and scary situation.  Then when they cried to the Lord for deliverance, he responded; but he didn't take them out of bondage at first.  Instead, he eased their burdens so that even though they were still practically slaves, they were able to bear it well.  The Lord 'did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'  It was only after this experience that the Lord finally delivered them out of the Lamanites control.  The Lord allowed them to suffer, to be chastened, though they were righteous.
     For much of my life I understood the word 'chasten' to mean getting in trouble for doing something bad.  But I love the real definition:

1. to correct by punishment or suffering (to discipline or purify)
2. to prune of excess, pretense, or falsity
3. to cause to be more humble and restrained

     I added bold to my favorite words.  This gives me a much broader sense of the real meaning of being chastened.
     Last year for Mother's Day an infertile friend gave me a book, 'Finding God in the Garden' by Brent and Wendy Top.  I was surprised at first.  I am NOT a gardener.  In fact, I kill plants.  Not on purpose, but they still end up dead regardless of my good intentions.  A couple of years ago we got 3 bamboo shoots and within a couple of months 2 of them died.  Bamboo isn't exactly the hardest plant to take care of.  The remaining shoot has survived because Lyle took over it's nurturing.  Regardless, I've found this book very interesting.  Though I don't garden, I still enjoy the important parts of gardening being likened to spiritual growth.  I was reading this week the entry called 'A Wise and Loving Gardener'.  They talk about pruning  their 'babies' each spring and refer to it as a science.  They state that in order to get certain results from a plant, pruning is required.  Knowing where, when and how to prune, you can stop growth, encourage branching, create new branches, produce better fruit and many other things.  Then they relate pruning to a spiritual matter: the Lord as a gardener pruning us.

     'We have often thought how thankful we are that the Lord is an expert, eternal Gardener who knows perfectly how to prune His 'babies'.  Pruning is absolutely essential for certain plants (and people) if you love and care about them and want them to achieve their full potential and better serve your purposes.  Such trimming shapes and strengthens and beautifies.  It directs growth to create bigger and better fruit and flower production.  Cutting back also protects a plant from growth in places and in ways that would cause damage to it or other plants around it.  It gets rid of useless and even harmful dead growth that robs parts of the plant of the awakening light of the sun.  New growth can then sprout in places that have never seen life.  So, too, can Heavenly Father shape and fit His children, not only to be useful and experience maximum growth and blessing in this life but also to become beautiful, perfected, and exalted in His own celestial garden....
     'The greatest Gardener knows we cannot be or do all things.  He knows perfectly our individual needs and purposes.  He knows what has to go and what should be kept in order for us to be fruitful and accomplish our mission.  He knows when it is time to transplant us and exactly where we will blossom best.  If we fail to trust Him and yield to His perfectly practiced hand, we will end up producing weak, useless, or distorted fruit and thereby, perhaps, deprive others of opportunities to become all that they could be.' (bold added to emphasize the parts that are thought provoking to me).
     The idea that cutting something back and causing it pain in order to help its growth, blossoming and bearing of fruit later on is sometimes a hard one to accept.  It's difficult when you feel like a clipped and small stump to see the beautiful tree you will end up becoming.  But I love being reminded that though my branch of motherhood has been cut away, the nourishment from the Son is being directed into other areas of my life that have more need.    
     Hugh B. Brown's parable 'The Gardener and the Currant Bush' helps provide a beautiful reminder of the necessity of pruning.
     'In the early dawn, a young gardener was pruning his trees and shrubs.  He had one choice currant bush which had gone too much to wood.  He feared therefore that it would produce little, if any, fruit.
     'Accordingly, he trimmed and pruned the bush and cut it back.  In fact, when he had finished, there was little left but stumps and roots.
     'Tenderly he considered what was left.  It looked so sad and deeply hurt.  On every stump there seemed to be a tear where the pruning knife had cut away the growth of early spring.  The poor bush seemed to speak to him, and he thought he heard it say:

     "'Oh, how could you be so cruel to me; you who claim to be my friend, who planted and cared for me when I was young, and nurtured and encouraged me to grow?  Could you not see that I was rapidly responding to your care?  I was nearly half as large as the trees across the fence, and might soon have become like one of them.  But now you've cut my branches back; the green, attractive leaves are gone, and I am in disgrace among my fellows."
     'The young gardener looked at the weeping bush and heard its plea with sympathetic understanding.  His voice was full of kindness as he said, "Do not cry; what I have done to you was necessary that you might be a prize currant bush in my garden.  You were not intended to give shade or shelter by your branches.  My purpose when I planted you was that you should bear fruit.  When I want currants, a tree, regardless of its size, cannot supply the need.

     '"No, my little currant bush, if I had allowed you to continue to grow as you had started, all your strength would have gone to wood; your roots would not have gained a firm hold, and the purpose for which I brought you into my garden would have been defeated.  Your place would have been taken by another, for you would have been barren.  You must not weep, all this will be for your own good; and some day, when you see more clearly, when you are richly laden with luscious fruit, you will thank me and say, 'Surely, he was a wise and loving gardener.  He knew the purpose of my being, and I thank him now for what I then thought was cruelty.'"'
     The irony that I would have 'been barren' and that in order to 'bear fruit' as the Lord has planned means the cutting of motherhood from my life is not lost on me.  I don't know what my life would have been had motherhood gone exactly as I had expected it to.  But I can see the growth in my life in places that, I realize, started with the pain of the pruning.  And though I want to be a mother, I want to be the kind of person the Lord is making me into even more.  I'm reminded of words from the hymn, "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul":

Chasten my soul so I shall be

In perfect harmony with Thee.

Make me more worthy of Thy love

And fit me for the life above.

     I'm thankful that the Lord has helped ease my heartache though he has not taken away the trial which causes it.  Maybe one day I'll be able to 'submit cheerfully and with patience'' instead of 'grumbling and half resentfully accept' this pruning, and who knows, perhaps this struggle will be lifted someday as well.

Spring

   It's Spring!  I love this season.  Every year I look forward to the end of winter and to the start of something new.

My street in the spring

Things I love about spring:

     - hearing birds chirping in the trees, even before I get out of bed

     - more light, more warmth

     - rain that washes away the last of winter and brings growth

     - green: grass, leaves, sprouts

     - rainbows

     - blossoms on the trees

     - flowers

Harper and Me

     Spring is symbolic of beginnings and hope; an end to the cold and dark and a start of new life.  I was reminded of life again this week as I babysat my 2 month old niece, Harper.  Her life is so new and unblemished and there's so much for her to learn and experience.  

     Sometimes I feel so old and jaded and I'd like to experience newness, life and hope inside myself again.  I want to be able to believe in good things coming, just as the trees and flowers wait for the end of winter so they can bloom again.  We know that spring comes every year, that bad times don't last forever, but sometimes we still doubt.  I'm reminded of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's words a couple of weeks ago as he spoke and reminded us: "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited...When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes...The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue- it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know."

Mom and Annie watching conference with me

     I love the feeling of hope this conveys.  And as I try in this new season to renew my faith and recognize my conviction to make the internal changes I need, holding strong to the faith that I have, I'll need to be patient and compassionate with those around me and also with myself.  "So be kind regarding human frailty- your own as well as those who serve with you...Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with.  That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it...When you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work...When the infinite fullness is poured forth, it is not the oil's fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can't quite contain it all.  Those finite vessels include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

     I'm excited to see what new experiences will be brought to me this season of renewal and of growing, of new chapters opening in my life as old ones end.

Life's Book

No matter what else you are doing,

From cradle days through to the end,

You are writing your life's secret story,

Each night sees another page penned.

Each month ends a thirty-page chapter;

Each year, the end of a part;

And never an act is misstated,

Nor even a wish of the heart.

Each morn when you wake, the book opens,

Revealing a page clean and white;

What thoughts and what words and what doings

Will cover its surface by night!

God leaves that to you- you the writer-

And never one words will grow dim

Until someday you write the word "finish"

And give back your life's book to Him.

Author Unknown

Ties That Bind

     Today is all about the 'sibs'.  I grew up in a family of 6 kids.   I've talked about Amy and I was second oldest.  But even though I've talked about the others in my blog past, I thought I'd make the official introductions.

Michael 

Mike is the siblings just younger than me.  We're 18 months apart.  We fought like cats and dogs (verbally and physically) as children.  Honestly, I'm not sure why our mom didn't kill us.  We were both strongly opinionated and both stubborn.  Thank heavens we grew up and realized how stupid we were.  Mike's an electrician.  Right now he's helping my mom figure out how to remodel her house (he's already done his own) and he'll do some of the work (the rest of us will chip in as well).  He has a girlfriend, Wendy, and a 2 month old baby, Harper (or as I think of her 'Cutiepie').  Mike has always been ambitious and sure of who he was and what he wanted.  He's good with money and is responsible.  He's always been popular with the guys and with the ladies too.  But he's a homebody now.  He loves being a dad and he's a good one.  He's always wanting to know how I'm doing and cares about his family.  Nickname from Dad: Mook (don't ask, I have no idea where Dad got some of our nicknames).



Paul 

This handsome guy is Paul.  Paul was always a very good and quiet kid.  He was a towhead as a toddler and was so darn cute (that kind of sounds like I'm saying he's not now, which is not true, he's just not toddler cute anymore)!  He's very smart.  He knows a lot about various subjects that interest him including snakes and history.  Watch out if you play Jeopardy with him (or with Allie for that matter), he'll cream you.  He also loves all kinds of sports.  He's the the brother you find waking up at 3am because the Australian Open starts then on ESPN.  He likes watching golf, football (die hard Saints fan) and basketball as well as soccer and tennis.  He works for the state finance department.  Paul is  still a quiet individual.  He doesn't complain a lot or confide a lot in people, but he's very funny and is great with kids.  Paul hates desserts, or anything with sugar for that matter.  Sadly, on this subject he and I differ very much (truthfully, sometimes I wish I hated them like he does), but I think in some ways I'm more like Paul than my other siblings.  Nickname from dad: Paul-e-wog



Alyson 

Allie is my younger sister.  She was always so adorable as a little girl: big brown eyes and curly, curly brown hair!  I always thought she was the prettiest one of us.  She resembles Amy in small ways and has always felt a little bit in her shadow, like people compare them.  But she's a very different person.  Allie was the one who always got picked on by the boys, since I was bigger than them growing up and now Reed and Lyle have joined in the fun (they can't help it, the way she reacts really makes it fun for them).  Allie is probably the smartest of us as well, though I do think that all of my siblings are intelligent.  She has always had her head on straight and knew exactly where she was going.  She did well academically and is the world traveler in our family.  She went on a mission to Romania and spent two years in Korea teaching school.  While there she had a chance to visit Nepal, Japan and other places.  She now lives in Boston where she has just finished getting her master's degree in library sciences and archival technology.  She's working 3 part time jobs right now looking for a full time job in her field.  She loves going new places, meeting new people and learning different things, but we're still her favs out of all the people she knows!  (Right, Allie?)  Nickname from dad: Ketchup (like I said, I have no idea!)


Kurt 

Kurt is the baby of the family.  Kurt is one big ball o'fun.  He always has a hug and a smile for his peeps (of which I consider myself one).  He was a riot as a kid, kind of spazy but really fun and inventive.  Currently employed with Ebay, Kurt is a pro in the Fraud division.  He's a music connoisseur and agrees with me that the Beatles are the bomb.  He likes vinyl albums.  He's started growing facial hair young and could grow a beard before Paul could, but he has a small patch of white hair in his left sideburn that's always been there.  Kurt is another good uncle and sometimes I really admire his good humor when he doesn't mind Annie jumping on him, even though she's way too big now (though I must say she doesn't do it very often anymore).  He's a Green Bay Packer fan and along with Paul loves REAL Salt Lake games.  Kurt has a ton of fun nicknames.  The one from dad was Kurt the Squirt, but he's also been called Kurtle, Kquatty (I don't know if I spelled that right), Kurtis Cowboy and Annie has joined in the fun with her newest one: Kurt-esy Cone.  I just know he LOVES all these terms of endearment!  I have a feeling he'd also respond to 'the Man'.  Yeah, we know Kurt, you really ARE the Man!



These are my bros and my sister.  We're all very different but I'm so thankful for them and I love the fact that though we live different lives, we have a genuine deep love for each other and sincerely enjoy being together.  I love you guys!

Lessons to Follow Before Entering Parenthood

Our adoption agency gave us some material to read about adoption and infertility etc., and I found and article entitled: 'Thinking of Having Kids?  Follow These Lessons Before You Enter Parenthood.'  They're so funny!  Here's my favorite ones:

Lesson One:
1. Find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their
     a. Method for discipline
     b. Lack of patience
     c. Appallingly low tolerance levels
     d. Allowing their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
3. Enjoy your last time doing this.

Lesson Two:
1. Smear Peanut Butter onto the sofa and some jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed and then rub them on the clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with Crayon.

Lesson Three:
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Lesson Four:
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it on the glove compartment of your car.  Leave it there.
2. Get a dime.  Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of your car.  There.  Perfect!

Lesson Five:
1. Go to the local supermarket.
2. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschooler, a full grown goat is excellent.
3. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
4. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
5. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.


Lesson Six:
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap.
7. Throw the other half up in the air.

Lesson Seven:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher ('The Nanny') saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four second delay between each "Mommy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Eight:
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, jeans or elbow while playing the tape made from the previous lesson.

Lesson Nine:
1. Find a large tomcat and a pitbull.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bull in the front seat.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the car seat.

Okay, NOW YOU'RE READY!!


Whew!  They sound pretty intense.  I wonder what actually trying to do these would be like...probably like being a parent!

25 Things I Hope My Kids Learn

1. When you feel sorry for yourself, look around and help someone else
2. Honor your father and mother
3. Little choices make you who you are
4. Take a nap if you're ornery
5. There is no room-cleaning fairy
6. Be patient with people, even the stupid and/or mean ones
7. Listen to the still small voice
8. There is joy in the journey
9. It's okay to ask for help
10. My body is a temple
11. When you're helping, you're happy
12. Play fair
13. If I change my thoughts, I change my actions
14. Don't take things that aren't yours
15. Stand for what is right, even if you stand alone
16. You don't have to agree with someone to get along with them
17. If you need an answer: search, ponder and pray
18. You'll never know unless you try
19. When you need a break, take one
20. Flush the toilet
21. Humility is strength
22. All I can do is all I can do, and all I can do is enough
23. Smell the roses
24. I can entertain myself
25. I believe in Christ

Worth a Thousand Words

Here's some random pics:

You can't see just how bad it looks but this is my face
after having oral surgery last week.  I bruise easily and people
have been thinking I've been in an accident or a fight or something!

The kids love to tease Lyle about his afro!

One of my favorites of the kids when they were little.
How cute!

And because I'm a mean mom,
here's Annie's embarrassing bare bum picture!

Let's not forget Taylor's embarrassing
diaper cowboy pic!

Lyle and the kids (a dinosaur and an egg) on Halloween

One of our engagement pics!

Me in kindergarten.  Wasn't I a cutie?

This is me being a ham...big surprise!

Taylor helping me with a Primary project (he loves to jump in and help)

The kids on top of the church office building

Annie showing off her unique fashion sense

The little darlings a few months ago (don't they look angelic?)

Good thing I can laugh at what a dork I am!

Me and my  good lookin' hubby!

The Fam

In Memory of My Sister Amy

     Amy Jean was my older sister.  She was born on October 3rd to my parents in Las Vegas while my dad was still in the Air Force and they lived on the base there.  One year, ten months, one week, eight hours and thirty two minutes later (I know, pretty sad that I know that,) I was born. Amy was the oldest of a family of what turned out to be six children, three boys and three girls.  Because Amy and I were close to each other in age and were followed by two boys before another sister came along (then a final brother), we were pretty close.  But we were very different from each other.  We shared bunk beds in a room together until she went off  to college.  I remember sitting and talking to her at night.  She was a slow person; meaning she didn't rush anything.  She ate slowly and savored her food, she walked slowly and enjoyed the view.  She appreciated things.  I used to eat all my Halloween candy in a week and she would save hers all year long.  Yes, I was a bad sister and would eat some of her Halloween candy from time to time.
     Amy was always a very responsible person.  After our parents divorced and mom had to go back to work full time, she became a second mother to us all.  She would put us to bed and sing to us and take us on the bedtime train over the rainbow where she would ask us what kinds of things we would see and we'd describe sights or animals we could see from up on top of the rainbow.  She was a peacemaker and would try to solve fights.  Since me and my younger brother Mike fought like cats and dogs all the time, it was quite a challenge.  Amy was artistic and very talented.  She started drawing in childhood and developed this talent well over time.  She would think up stories and tell them to us or write them down an illustrate them also.  She got glasses in kindergarten and it wasn't until high school, I think, that she replaced what were then glasses of coke bottle thickness for hard contacts.  Amy got braces in her teens.  Honestly, she was a bit of a nerd, but was so extremely nice and loving to everyone that she was very highly regarded by everyone who knew her.  She was also very smart.  She got good grades and was a sterling scholar in high school.  She was, however, very uncoordinated athletically and never played sports, at least not well.  She was musical and learned to play piano and was in the high school Madrigal singing group her senior year.  In her junior year of high school she was chosen to play Oliver in that year's musical 'Oliver'.  She cut her long hair for the role and had an extremely fun time with the new experience of acting.  Amy developed her drawing even more in high school and started to work with watercolor and oil painting as well (she didn't care for the oil painting quite as much).   Amy was also a poet.  This was something I never knew until we found her poems while going through her stuff after she died.

     Amy went to Utah State University after high school.  While she was going there one of her best friends set her up with Reed.  I believe their first date was going sledding and Amy lost her temple recommend which was in her pocket (by the way, this is the same friend who set Lyle and I up on our first date!).  Reed found it and held it ransom for another date.  Reed was then going to BYU and he would go all the way up to Logan to take her out.  They dated and ended up getting married when Amy was 19 years old.  Amy ended up later transferring to BYU where she finished her degree in Elementary Education.  A week before Amy and Reed got married they found a small tumor on her bladder and she had surgery.  They biopsied it but the results were inconclusive.  Amy and Reed moved to the U of U housing for married couples (Reed had transferred there). Two years after they got married they had their only child.
     I happened to be in the delivery room with Amy and held her hand while she breathed through her contractions. She chose the name Joshua Reed for their son.  There was a very special spirit in the room when Josh was born.
      During her student teaching at the end of her schooling Amy noticed she had started to feel very tired and wasn't sure what it was.  They were trying to get pregnant with child number two and she thought maybe that was it.  Around this time, Amy first felt a hard lump in her abdomen.  She went to the doctor who didn't like the way it felt.  They ended up doing a cat scan which showed a baseball sized tumor attached to her stomach and multiple little tumors all throughout her liver.  She was 22 when she was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma (a soft tissue cancer of the abdomen).  Later we ended up finding out that her cancer was more like a branch off of Leiomyosarcoma and it was rare enough that they didn't even have a name for it, so we ended up referring to her cancer as a G.I. Stromal tumor which was the gastroinestinal tumor they found on the outside of her stomach which then metastasized into her liver.  They operated and took out the tumor on her stomach and now they had to treat the tumors in her liver.
     Amy went through chemotherapy and her hair fell out.  It didn't get rid of the cancer but it stalled it from growing for a while.  But eventually it started growing again.  Her abdomen got bigger and they tried another medication which didn't kill the cancer either.  During this time Reed threw himself into research.  He took her to Boston to see the leading doctor on Leimyosarcoma in the country and to a clinic in Houston which was the best overall clinic in the country for her kind of cancer.  Eventually they found an experimental medication that Amy didn't qualify for as an applicant in the study but they gave it to her anyway for what they deemed 'compassionate use'.  Amy and Reed went to Portland and stayed with an aunt and uncle for a month while Amy took this new drug which has since been approved by the FDA.  This medication had a dramatic effect in some people in the study, reducing their Leiomyosarcoma.  It didn't do anything to Amy's unfortunately.  But it did make her feel better than she had felt for most of the time she'd been sick.  She was able to do things like take a family vacation to Disneyland and spend some quality time with her husband and son.
     One of the weird things about Amy's cancer was that it seemed to feed on her blood.  She would have to get transfusions often because her blood was disappearing.  The doctors surgically inserted a port below Amy's skin which fed directly into the arteries by her heart so they could quickly inject any medications into the port instead of being stuck with needles so often.  That wasn't the only blood problem she had.  Because the chemotherapy had killed all of the platelets in her blood, if she got something as simple as a nosebleed she would have to go to the emergency room because she wouldn't stop bleeding and had to had medical intervention to get the bleeding to cease.  Her liver had been growing and she now looked 8 months pregnant (which was all cancer) and the disease had come back in her stomach again as well.  But this time the cancer tissue in the stomach integrated with the good tissue so there was nothing they could do to get rid of it.  It gave her horrid acid reflux which resulted in her losing her voice for a couple of months.  It also made eating extremely hard for her so she had a feeding tube inserted which attached to her colon and she would be feed Ensure at night so she could survive.

     Amy was the most Christlike person I knew.  And though she had a horrible disease that was taking her life, she was positive and had an immense amount of faith and hope.  She was a very compassionate person and was always looking for how she could help other people.  She served on the Relief Society Presidency in her ward as the secretary during her illness.  She struggled with the fact that she'd have no more children even if she survived the cancer and I certainly feel close to her now knowing how horrid that is all in itself.  She enjoyed being with family and friends and I remember she and I taking a blind friend bowling (incidentally even though Julia couldn't see the pins, we would tell her where they are and she'd throw the ball; she creamed us every time!).  I used to stop by Amy's house after work and spend time with her just talking or doing stuff with Josh.  We had some very special times together.
     Twice Amy was hospitalized and kept in the ICU because the cancer in her stomach burst blood vessels and she would throw up extreme amounts of blood.  The first time she ended up coming home after a week or so.  The second time, after 2 days, 100 pints of blood transfused into her, multiple endoscopies to find where she was bleeding from and some cauterizing of the places they could find, the doctors finally couldn't do anything more and took her off of all blood products.  Two days later, after bleeding into her abdomen continually, her kidneys and finally her lungs shut down and with her family surrounding her she died on a Sunday morning, which we felt was very appropriate.  The very same spirit which had been in the room when she gave birth to Josh was there when she died and it was a very sacred moment for those of us who were there to witness it.  She was 25.  Her son was 4 1/2 years old and she died 5 days before her and Reed's 6th wedding anniversary.  Though it was June, it snowed lightly on the morning of her funeral.  It turned to freezing rain and while we were at the graveside and singing Abide With Me 'Tis Eventide, the clouds parted and the sun shone down on us and we knew she was there watching us and she was okay.
     That was almost 12 years ago.  It's funny how time goes by.  Losing someone you love so much is horrible but I have learned to trust in my Heavenly Father and gained a deep, personal relationship with my Savior which has been drastically influenced by Amy's death.  I wish so much that I could share my life with her.  If I live a long life, most of it will have been lived without Amy.  She was someone I knew loved me, even when I didn't deserve it.  I will miss her every day and the influence she's had on my life will never go away.  She made me want to be a better person, just by knowing her.  Don't get me wrong, she wasn't perfect.  There were times she was a tad judgmental or self-righteous, but by far she was someone I am still proud to call my sister and I can't wait to see her again someday!  I love Easter time.  It reminds me of the resurrection and the fact that someday Amy will have a perfectly functioning body and she'll never die again!  So here's to the memory of my courageous sister.  I love you, Amy.



Things Amy Liked:

Mushrooms
Singing
Poetry
Being outside
Nature (she LOVED sunsets, flowers, starry nights, etc)
Being with her friends
Going on dates with her husband
Playing with Josh

Things Amy Didn't Like:
Marshmallows
Gummy anything
Conflicts
Being asked when she was due to have her second baby
Feeling sorry for herself

Here's some samples of Amy's artwork:

This is my grandparents.  Amy created this picture out of two separate photographs taken of them when they were younger.

Here's some samples of Amy's poetry:

Through the Tempest

Slipping- 

     The cancer grows,

     No doctor knows

     Just what to do for me.

Searching- 

     So many ways,

     But will my days

     Still fly like angels free?

Holding- 

     Your eyes embrace

     A peaceful place

     A vast, eternal sea;

Smiling- 

     Love knows no bounds-

     Here's solid ground

     Where we can always be.

Evening Poem

A longing pulls my heart

As the dusk filters out from the leaves to settle on the horizon

A golden crown

To bury itself against my chest

And drops of blue to smile up at me in simple wonder,

Tiny hands

That pull and reach are resting on someone else's lap now,

The light fades, the air rests.

As night falls, I miss my baby.

Untitled

I wish I could eat yellow roses

     long after their luster has passed;

I have inhaled their buttery petals

     and adore the aroma they cast.

I hope that, as onward I travel

     I can service each person I find;

To bring a cheer like yellow roses,

     and leave a sweet smell in their mind.

Nightmare

Locked in a cell

     of the prison of Hell,

No chance of escape-

     though my cause is so just.

When a sliver of knowledge

     drops to my feet

And I find myself running

     through dark and light halls,

Collecting friends all

     (of flesh and of stone)

While dodging the guards

     throwing fiery bone.

One is a sister,

     one a lost cousin

Who brought a few friends

     from his wilder days,

As I look at the jumble,

     I inwardly moan-

If I help their escape,

     will I forfeit my own?

And yet we press on,

     through the wild stony mess,

To right the world's wrongs

     With a prayer and a guess.

Untitled

There's a feeling I can't quite explain,

That I can't just dismiss or disdain

Like a bird in the night,

Or the last star in sight,

It goes on when my search seems in vain.

Though there's no one around me to say

That it's going to turn out this way,

Still it calls out so strong

Tell me, do I belong?

Will you give me the blessing to stay?

Another day?

Take my hand- for a lifetime

Keep my dreams next to yours to remain

And we'll work with our might

With our hope burning bright-

'Till forever is ours to claim

Take my hand- say that you love me

As your best friend and also your wife

And we'll pray with our hearts

That we don't have to part-

And thank God for a beautiful life.

The Ship

Underneath the cloak of heaven,

Yet upon the breast of sea

My ship rises over every wave's crest-

Like a wooden manatee.

My soul is housed within her hull,

My heart beats to the rhyme

Of the wind upon her sails

Which pushes the foamy brine.

My ship has never feared a tempest

An never will be penned-

She knows the way to set her sails

To calm and tame the wind.

And yet- there come those sultry days

When all of nature sleeps,

And my ship sits there in a daze-

Abandoned thus, she weeps!

She has no power in her,

And when all the gales are dead

She has no life to offer

And waits upon her salty bed.

Longing, needing every hour

To feel a breeze caress her sails

And erase the time gone sour

When the summer trade winds failed.

Suddenly, I feel the air lift

And my heart within me sings!

As, once more, my wind will bear me

High as on eagle's wings!