January will mark 5 years since Lyle and I started trying for a baby. And boy have I learned a lot since then! The first year was just trying. Years 2-4 were filled with visiting multiple doctors, being tested for various fertility problems, taking medications to see if they would do the trick, and when they didn't, trying insemination multiple times to see if we could get pregnant that way. About a year ago after all of these had failed we were up against the options of IVF or adoption. We prayed and talked and decided to try adoption. So this year has been filled with qualifying for adoption...which in itself has been another kind of challenge. This journey has been really rough on both Lyle and I (in different ways) and on our marriage as well. Thankfully we both have strong testimonies and a commitment to each other that no matter what, we'll work out our problems. But even so, this challenge has shaken me much more than I had expected.
Many people don't realize the depth of grief that infertility causes. In truth, I've been grieving for the last 5 years over the loss of the life of my child. To the understanding heart, that will make sense. I've watched people who don't love the kids they already have and don't want more, have another child so easily through sheer carelessness. And I've seen people have had multiple pregnancies during the time I've been trying to have one. I've had to listen to well meaning people give me advice about how to have kids: relax and it'll happen, just adopt and you'll get pregnant, drink the water over at so and so's house or workplace (they can't seem to stop having babies). In fact, this picture pretty much depicts me in years 2-4 every day (we've had a lot of people at work who've had babies)! And like most infertile women, I have fallen into the trap of anger, bitterness, and jealousy over what to me is the unattainable goal of conceiving and baring a child. I once was waiting outside Costco while my husband was buying something inside. It took him all of 15 minutes and in that time 15 different women passed me who were either noticeably pregnant or had a baby with them. And I thought about tripping every single one of them! Note: I didn't actually trip any of them...nor do I kick small puppies, make fun of the elderly or talk on my cell phone in the movie theater, so don't consign me to hell just yet.This April Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave at talk at conference that really made me uncomfortable with some things he said. It was a fantastic talk! And even though it hurt, it was something I SO needed to hear:
"Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing...May I plead with us not to be hurt- and certainly not to feel envious- when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed...
OUCH! Okay, okay! I get the message, Lord! But how do I learn to be happy with the blessings I have (which are many) and not concentrate on the ONE blessing that I don't? The obvious answer would be: to change my heart.
The exercise in refusing pickle juice has begun!
There are some things that I have felt have helped at different times. Here are a few: Remember the 1st principle of the gospel? It's faith, right? Actually, it's faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. In other words, do I trust the Savior? Do I trust him enough to keep all the promises he's made me? If so, then that should bring comfort as long as I'm holding up the promises I've made to him.
I've learned that it's okay to feel rotten about a rotten situation. That I should not expect myself to be perfect and to accept having the anger or sorrow that comes this challenge. It's okay to feel crappy. As long as I'm willing to pick myself back up and go through another long, hard day with no miracle or answer, but with a renewed faith and strength to see the day through.
I've been counseled in blessings during this trial to be patient. When that happens I've thought? I am being patient! It's been years for heaven's sake! And I still want this blessing and pray for it, so obviously I'm being patient right? Wrong! "Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can- working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" (Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Continue in Patience, May 2010 Ensign)
Woopsy! I guess that means that I really haven't been that patient. I've been jealous, bitter, and despairing. I've also had times of hope and gratefulness too. But I think this is something I need to work on.
I've also learned that the answer to the question 'why is this happening to me' isn't really important. The point is that this IS happening to me, and now what am I going to do with it? My bishop once said to me (paraphrased), "There are some things in this life that we have no control over, that we can't do anything about. What are you going to do in that situation? The real question is 'will still you keep the covenants you made with your Heavenly Father or not'". What a fabulous thing to say! That's something that's helped me very much.
"In the hearts of many faithful disciples there is no question why or whether they need Christ. Their private doubt is whether He needs them...Mistakenly we think that Jesus already has everything, but He doesn't. He doesn't have you. He doesn't have me- not until we give ourselves to Him. Elder Neal A. Maxwell confirmed this truth when he taught, 'the submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar'...Through my righteous choice to give myself to God and Jesus, I bring them glory. And in a world full of ignorance, apathy, and open rebellion, that offering matters. It may seem small. It may be limited, but it is not trivial..." (Brad Wilcox, The Continuous Atonement, pgs 38, 39, 41)
I'm so thankful to the Lord for being with me during this time and helping me learn so not only can I get through this messy trial, but that I can come through it a better person.
Whew! Holy Long Post, Batman!
Okay, if you're really just BEGGING for more, the last thing I would say is check out this article entitled: The Blessing of the Blackberry Bush.
To all my dear infertile friends and to those who are still struggling with other trials, keep up the faith and choose to still believe!
Laura
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