From the confidential files of Laura, P.I. (Pregnancy Investigator)
The only source of knowledge is experience. -Albert Einstein
For the last five years I have been investigating the cause of this phenomenon called 'pregnancy'. Being desirous myself to experience this certain privilege I have given all my knowledge and skill to attain this end. My journey hast led me to some interesting truths. According to the genius Albert Einstein himself, knowledge is gained from experience. Thus I have learned one astonishing fact from my experiences: Unprotected sex does NOT lead to pregnancy! What a mind-blowing concept! And I'm very put out that this conspiracy still is believed today (as far as the pregnancy conspiracy, exactly how do I learn the secret handshake?). Read further to learn my discarded and still possible theories of how pregnancy happens and whether it is truly fact. Or is it fiction?
Debunked theories:
1. The Handstand/Bicycle Method
My first theories still clung to the possibility of pregnancy through the traditional method (if not by itself then by slight adjustments). And so, one of the first methods I tried to enhance my chances was this method. I spent the first 3 years with my bum up in the air one way or another, every other day for 30 minutes or so (minutes decreasing as time went on and I became suspicious that this method did not actually help).
Result: does not lead to pregnancy
2. Relax and you'll get pregnant
Still relying on enhancing the traditional method. Taking multiple vacations was fun. Massages, date nights, relaxing music, mediation, candles: all wonderful ways to wind down and enjoy being with your husband.
Result: does not lead to pregnancy
3.The Birds and the Bees
Convetional methods failing. I've decided to open my mind to new thoughts. I'm not sure who coined the phrase 'the birds and the bees' in the first place, but genetically speaking, it's not possible to get a baby from any sort of combination of a bird and a bee. Just look at this couple. They are a bird and a bee and still can't get pregnant.
Results: does not lead to pregnancy
4. The 'Magic' Wand
Result: does not lead to pregnancy
5. I.U.I.
This is fertility code for Intrauterine Insemination, better known as artificial insemination. Take something from hubby, wash it in special solution, cut out as many bad sperm as you can and stick in a syringe with hubby's name labeled on it (I guess that makes sense to prevent switching samples, but I thought it was weird the first time I had to sign that this was my husband's syringe and sperm). Next step involves a long tube and me on a table. I made Lyle stay with me. I just thought it would be weird knowing it was possible for a woman to get me pregnant while my husband wasn't even in the room. $400 bucks a pop (not including the semen analysis) and 4 failures. Did you say I.U.I.? I think I heard I.O.U.!
Result: does not lead to pregnancy
6. In the Water
Medical methods not bringing anticipated results. Starting to branch out. Everyone at work is pregnant. People say it's in the water. I may not have actually drunk out of a pregnant woman's cup but I made dang sure to drink from the same water cooler. People in the ward pregnant, go to their houses and drink their tap/refrigerator water.
Result: does not lead to pregnancy
Pending Theory
1. Adoption
I've heard: adopt and you'll get pregnant. Many things wrong with this sentence. For starters, if you adopt, that precludes the need to get pregnant in the first place. Also, the reason to adopt is to receive a child and just because that child is not your genetic material does not make it less important than a biological child, which is the implication attached to this method of getting pregnant. This method may not result in MY pregnancy per se, but we've moved beyond the standard measures. Adoption has wonderful opportunities and we're excited to have this chance to try and increase our family in another way.
Possible As Yet Unexamined Theories
1. Embryonic Adoption
The adopting of embryos donated by couples who have tried IVF and have remaining embryos which they will not use. Implanted, you have still have a chance to experience pregnancy, but the child will not be your biological material. Who cares? I'll take anything I can get at this point.
2. Pre-Installation
When you're infertile it seems as though everyone in the world is pregnant except for you. I had a friend who once had to go to 4 different grocery lines so she didn't have to stand behind a pregnant woman. But really this is too much! When did Barbie get pregnant? And more importantly HOW? And how is it possible to be THIS jealous if an inanimate object? Do I need to talk to the manufacturers? How do I get the pre-installation pregnancy feature? Is it even possible in humans?
3. The Goalie
In announcing her pregnancy, my brother's girlfriend use the following phrase: Mike has slipped one past the goalie! What goalie? Since when did soccer and/or hockey have anything to do with getting pregnant...and where is this 'special' goalie located? Is it expensive to fly there? Do I need cleats? How much should I practice? Does Lyle have to be the one to 'slip one by'? Is there a screening process to determine the worthy candidates for a try at the pregnancy goalie? Send any info on this mysterious 'Goalie' to me. PLEASE!
It is not know when this theory originally came about, but it has been discussed much and is the subject of scientific research such as in this fascinating article : New Evidence for the Theory of the Stork . I love that research into alternate theories is being looked into. It implies that I am not the only one who's experience has lead to the possibility of a delivery system other than the reigning acceptable theory of the modern age. My questions of this theory are those of wanting to know how to get on the stork's delivery list and if you can get to the top of it faster by any means. I would accept any delivery from the stork, even if, like Dumbo my child had ears that could receive the Disney channel, or some other abnormality. I'm not picky.
5. The Accident
How many times have I heard the phrase: We didn't meant to get pregnant. It was an accident. What kind of accident are they talking about? Is it painful? Should I join a crash dummy school for preparation? Or is it an accident like saying the wrong thing such as: 'I don't want a baby' and then POOF said baby appears by accident? And if I try to replicate an accident on purpose will it then still be categorically speaking an 'accident'? Some women have told me that this accident involves alcohol and getting drunk. Since this kind of accident goes against my moral principles, I'll have to forgo this particular aspect of it. Maybe if I pretend to act like I'm drunk? That doesn't sound really fun either. I've never had a deep desire to wear a lampshade over my head and still recall the incident the next day. More research into this theory is needed.
6. Is stealing really THAT bad?
A girl I was friends with in junior high had quadruplets. QUADRUPLETS! That's 4 babies at one time! Does anyone really NEED that many babies at once? Would they really miss one? I mean REALLY? This is not the first time I've thought of bending the Thou Shalt Not Steal rule. We're constantly at places with cute babies and it is not infrequent for me to laugh and flirt with the baby then turn to my husband and say in a low voice so the parents can't hear: "You know how it works. I create the distraction, you take the baby." We have yet to actually put this plan into action. The time I had to try hardest not to was one night when I and the other girls in my infertility support group were exiting the building and a woman walks right on by us with twins in a stroller. I know one thought was going through each of our minds: there's 5 of us and 1 of her. I don't think that woman realized how much danger she was in that night. At least I know I'm not the first person who's thought of this possibility for the acquiring of a little rugrat.
7. Baby Stores
There used to be a store a mile or two from our house called 'Hector's Baby Store'. I didn't think twice about this name until one day Annie said it out loud. Lightbulb! Could it be? Are there really stores from which you can buy babies? I asked Lyle to pull over so I could investigate. He refused, laughing off the idea as preposterous. But is it? Can you walk into 'Babies R Us' and pull a secret lever or say a code word and you're shown into the backroom where you can either buy a baby right there or at least order one specifically for you? Makes you think.
8. The Space Launch
This is a brand new theory I had never heard of before. Is there a map that shows the exact location the parachutes will land? If not, how much do I have to pay to get to Babylandia? I could stand a 9 month space trip if the following was the result (well, maybe not the baby panda- I'm thinking along the lines of an actual human baby).
End of current theories. Whatever the results of my investigations produce, it is certain that there is not one simple explanation for pregnancy or how to receive a baby of your own. Further studies will be needed to unravel the possible myth of pregnancy.
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