Up and Running

Josh, me, Landon, Kurt, Mom, Lyle, Reed and Zoe at Black Ridge Reservoir

     For the 4th of July, Lyle and I went to have a BBQ at Reed and Heather's house.  We had hamburgers, chips, salads, cherries, soda and cookies (which, believe it or not, we were too full to eat). We sent Josh to the store since we were lacking or low on a few things.  It's kind of weird to have a teenage nephew who can drive.  Anyway, poor guy, we kept thinking of more things to have him get and consequently kept calling him so it took longer for him to get back.  In fact, by the time he returned, we had finished eating and were full.  That's life!  My mom and Paul and Kurt all came as well.  Zoe the Golden Doodle (Reed's dog) had quite a fun time barking furiously at Kurt when he first came in.  We never could figure out exactly why (other than the fact that she has a thing about some men).  But as she started barking at Paul later on as well, I think it made Kurt feel better.
     We decided to hike (more of a walk) to Black Ridge Reservoir near their home.  They've jazzed it up since the last time I've been there.  They made a beach and had some grassy areas and pavilions, a snack shack and a boat ramp and there were lots of swimmers in the water.
     After we came back, Heather finally came down.  She's 2 weeks away from delivery and her pregnancy has been a terrible one.  She's had constant nerve pain her entire pregnancy and can only be out of bed for minutes at a time.  We sat and chatted with everyone for a little while.
     I was a sad on the way home and I realized I was thinking, 'Heather is in horrible pain and yet, I'd still trade places with her in a second.'  That was a saddening thought...and it's breakdown time again!
     I've been rethinking my motherhood status lately.  That probably sounds stupid since it's something I think about more or less constantly.  I reread some of my notes from the last Time Out for Women and was affected by some things that Laurel Christensen said.  She talked about the times in life when everything is going as planned and then something trips you up.  The following video was shown:

     Her question followed: 'What if this girl had assumed the race was over when she fell?  Discouraged, tired, convinced there was no way this was going to turn around?  She's done and she sits there and watches all the other women lap past her?  Not an option.  It was too important to her to keep running.'  Since I feel many women lap past me constantly while I sit on the sidelines and watch, this goes to the heart.
     Here's the part that really hit me.  She said, 'Don't play God with your life.  Don't make judgments on His behalf.  Don't decide for yourself that you misheard His promise.  Trust Him enough to get up and run.  Trust Him enough to know that He will be there for you.'
     It occurred to me that I've done exactly that.  I've assumed that because I haven't been able to have children that meant Heavenly Father didn't want me to be a mother.  That's an extremely painful thought if you think about it.  I've convinced myself that I had misunderstood the impressions I've had about what He wants for me.  So I decided to ask Heavenly Father: do you want me to be a mother?  Is motherhood part of the plan for my life?  And for the first time I felt a feeling that's...well, difficult to describe.  It was of assurance that yes, this is something He wants for me.  However it also is a realization that the plan of motherhood I had for my life is not how it's turning out.  That is the frustrating part...the not knowing when or how this will happen.  But honestly, it doesn't really matter if I know the plan or not, because He does and He has much more control over it than I do...which is a good thing.

Me weeding the garden in preparation
for our home visit this week.
I thought I should take a picture of this moment
since this may never happen again!

     Lyle and I have decided to look into another avenue for parenthood.  We haven't yet been able to find a baby to adopt and I've always thought about adopting older children as a possibility.  So while we wait for the baby we still hope is coming, this week we have a home visit with the Foster Care foundation to talk about the possibility of adopting an older child.  It's really just a preliminary interview to find out information, but I know there are other children out there who are in need of loving parents.  And I feel I have so much to give.  If this is the right path, then Heavenly Father will help us along it.
     And I'm back up and running...hopefully I can find it in me to trust that the Lord will give me the strength I need to finish the race.
     Hebrews 12:1- "...Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us."