The Beautification Project

     And it begins!
     Some time ago I thought about a few changes I would like to make in my life.  There have been times when I've felt like I have little control over my life and that it's hard to be happy.  I decided on a few specific steps I could do to help myself.  It took a little while for me to really get into the swing of things, but in reading I came across the phrase 'beautification project' which I immediately liked and adopted for my current efforts.  To me, it means I'm doing my best to focus on efforts that can make me happy in my life right now, and therefore make my life as beautiful as I want it to be.  So without further ado, here is my project:
     One of the things that I have struggled with the most is a lack of personal fulfillment.  I've wanted to be a mother for so long and have been waiting for that role that I feel will be a fulfillment of my desires and a validation for the efforts in my life.  I've felt an increasing dissatisfaction and wondered how I could find fulfillment if that specific blessing has been delayed for me.  Don't get me wrong, we're still making conscious, specific and current efforts to increase our family, but I'm tired of waiting and honestly, a part of me knows that though being a mother would be great, it would not solve all my disappointments in life.  I'm sure when it happens there will still be some days when I won't feel completely satisfied and think that everything is wonderful and sing and dance to the tune of my happiness.  So I came up with an plan to fill me with purpose and joy now.  I may not be able to create a life, but I can still create.
     Music is something I've loved all my life.  I feel an ability to connect to the spirit in uplifting music and this has made me desire to be able to create music.  I have been playing the piano for 30 years now and though I'm not at the concert pianist/composer level I would dream of, I do feel proud of my persistence in continuing to play, even when it hasn't been easy.  I only had lessons for the first 5 years and the rest I've had to teach myself.  I still feel a bit intimidated about music theory because of this (which has improved by my giving piano lessons this year to 1 whole student!), but the sounds that I am able to make with a piano fill me with beauty.
     For the last few years I've had a desire to learn the violin.  I think it is a beautiful instrument and I long to be able to create music from something so elegant.  The hard part is that we, along with most people, don't have lots of money to spare, so I've put off doing anything about learning because I was a bit stumped with how to manage it financially.  Then a few months ago an idea hit me: if you don't have money for someone else to teach you, why don't you teach yourself?  WHAT?  Crazy idea!  And I instantly loved it.  I know music well enough not to be intimidated by having to learn to read music to play a new instrument, so I felt like half the battle would be taken care of automatically.  After some thought and prayer I decided that teaching myself would be a huge challenge but that it would also fulfill me personally so there really was no reason not to try it.  I realize it will be a long learning process and I may never be as technically gifted because of my private tutoring, but I'll have given myself an extra present: the knowledge that I can do hard things all by myself and that I am talented and persistent enough to fulfill some my own desires.  So this week, we bought me a violin (a fairly inexpensive late birthday present)!  It's been a busy week, so I haven't had a lot of time to work on it yet, but the work I have put into it has been hard and I feel slow and question if I'll ever get it and I'm loving every second of it!
     Another part of the project I decided needed to be included is a more positive attitude.  I've always suffered from depression an a naturally slightly pessimistic outlook (though I like to think of myself as more of a REALIST), and it can be very easy for me to see all the footfalls in life because I'm looking down all the time, rather than seeing the beautiful scenery that can only been glimpsed by looking up.  How do I help myself in this regard?  I decided the first thing I'd have to start with is my thoughts.  I needed to think more positive thoughts.

My clicker for counting thoughts...
and yes, it says 10.
No comments from the peanut gallery!

     A couple of years ago at Time Out For Women, Hilary Weeks talked about how she had started counting her bad thoughts to see how many of them she had.  And after a little while she realized that on concentrating on the bad thoughts, she was becoming more unhappy.  So she switched and started counting all of her good thoughts.  She bought herself a 'clicker' and every time she thought of something uplifting she'd add it to the count.  I started doing this for about a week.  I think it's about time I started counting again.  I'm really not going to concentrate on how many I do, in fact I don't really want to know how many good thoughts I have in a day, but with the conscious and physical action of 'clicking' when I have them, I want to be able to bring these good thoughts to my conscious mind.  I hope this will help me thoughts take on a brighter outlook.  I'll let you know how I do.
     Other things I've been wanting to work on to bring peace and happiness to my life is to take a greater control of the things I can and also to be able to let things go easier.  It's a bit of a vague idea but let me see if I can help with an example.  Lately, Lyle and I have decided we wanted to change how we work around the house.  Most of the time we feel so tired and busy with full time jobs and callings and the kids and family and friends that we tend to let the housework go undone and then when everything is a huge mess, I freak out and irritably do lots of chores and nag Lyle and the kids to participate as well.  Things get done, but I'm constantly feeling behind.  We decided to change this oh-so-smart way of doing things and change to a system of trying to do a little bit of work everyday.  So we got a white board up to keep track of which days we work; also on the board are reminders of reading scriptures and saying prayers, practicing violin and exercising physically for me, doing family home evening, fasting, temple visits and home/visiting teaching.  Every day we try to do to 30 minutes of work.

Our new check of f board

 Some days, we just don't get it done, but I feel by pushing myself when I'm tired after work to do just a little bit of work at home, there seems to be an actual decrease of stress and an increase of peace.  Also, some nights there is so much going on that I have to evaluate what I realistically have time to do and make priorities.  Tonight I was stressing out and decided I needed to let go of my need to do EVERYTHING just so I won't feel like I'm not doing enough and to make my priorities of what I need to get done versus what can honestly wait until later.  Family Home Evening was a must and I needed to blog.  As for working at home today, I had to let unloading the dishwasher suffice even though it wasn't as much as I would have liked to get done.  Also, I'll have to put off practicing my violin.  I felt a lot better after I had made the decision not to run myself down trying to accomplish everything.  These may sound like contradictions of each other, but I feel more relaxed and in control of my time and my efforts.

     I mentioned keeping a record of when we read scriptures and pray together.  This is because something else I want to be able to feel happy about is my ability to recognize the strength that comes with regular scripture study and prayer.  In order to recognize the strength it brings, I need to be doing those things regularly.  I feel I know the scriptures a fair bit, and I've always enjoyed reading them.  I love the stories and the inspiring words which fill me with hope, and desire more of the peace I feel when I pray.  I want these things to be more pronounced in my life.  I want to have more prayers that are meaningful rather than repetitive.  I want to understand the scriptures better.  So our collective effort is to be more consistent with these goals.  We've been doing better and I'm happy.  And I'm praying for help in our continued desire to be more consistent in our study and prayer.
     So there we are in a nutshell.  My current plan for self improvement and happiness, personal fulfillment and peace in my life.  It seems like a tall order.  But in reality it's just a few little but conscious efforts to work on.  I feel excited to focus on doing what I can do to be happy and to feel grateful for the life and blessings I have so freely been given.  I know working on this project I may get discouraged.  I'm sure it'll be a long, bumpy road, but I feel good to be doing something again.