Little Wonders

     Okay, confession time.  I struggle with Thanksgiving.  Not so much the eating pumpkin pie or turkey with mashed potatoes.  But the part of being publicly thankful.  Don't be too quick to judge, it's not that I don't appreciate the blessings I've been given...I do, though like most people I do tend to take them for granted more than I should, but in the last few years Thanksgiving has been harder.  It started during those really hard infertility years where we'd get together with extended family, which was always hard for me as I would see everyone else's life going as planned and mine was so drastically different, not to mention the fact that all these adorably cute kids were running around and their moms were all bragging about them and how wonderful they were and it all made me want to vomit.  Then we'd have the everyone-go-around-the-table-and-say-what-you're-thankful-for thing, which I hated.  I felt so fake.  Everyone would say how they were thankful for their families and their lives and all the wonderful things they had and I felt so barren and alone and my life was astonishingly apart from theirs that I really struggled with saying in front of everyone how wonderful my life was and how everything was just peachy keen!
     Even though I've healed a great deal in the infertility area, the feeling hasn't really left me.  I guess I still feel uneasy about the command to be grateful on the spot and so publicly.  I'd rather do my thanksgiving to God in private and feel more honest about it.  There's also the fact that most years a strange anomaly has consistently happened around this time of year- things seem to be going okay then shortly before Turkey Day I'd have an anxiety ridden week or some crisis happen.  Then there's the guilt that is so common in my life when I'm not perfect...i.e. 'I am not as grateful as I should be or as everyone else is so there's obviously something wrong with me...I should do better'.
     So this year, BINGO, right on time I have a few stressful weeks leading up to Thanksgiving and the guilt sets in and the anger or bitterness or jealousy starts biting and I just want to hibernate in my room under my covers and eat the whole bag of those peppermint chocolate truffles I forced Lyle to buy for me at Costco.
     I'm so glad Heavenly Father knows me and how to soften my heart and make me think twice.  A cousin-in-law posted this video a few days ago and that's exactly what happened when I saw it.

     It's true that my life is stressful right now.  I'm working 40 hours a week plus now I'm teaching piano lessons as well (I have 9 students) in an effort to eventually change my working status so that takes a chunk of time every week.  I have a very active 9 year old who takes a lot of energy, a 14 year old that's struggling, a 16 year old who doesn't really want to have a relationship with me, a marriage, an ex-wife who can be difficult, church responsibilities, a dirty house, family to take care of, friends who I try to see, then there's driving kids to therapy or scouts or who knows what else and somehow I have to try and take some time for me (haha) since, being a true introvert, being with people exhausts me and my only way to recharge is alone time (you can imagine how often that happens now).  Some days I'm just about going crazy.  And in all the dizzying busyness it's hard to see anything but the next task that needs to be accomplished, the next person who needs to be taken care of.  It's difficult to be thankful some days because on some days it's hard to feel anything other than exhaustion and discouragement.  After all, even with all I do, I still can't do everything.
     And yet, the Lord has helped me lately to notice little things.  Just tiny stuff that normally gets lost in the shuffle or everyday life but recently has been sticking out more.
     The way my stepdaughter crawls up to me to cuddle.  Chase's head bobbing up and down as I watch him running from the car to his babysitter's house in the morning when I drop him off.  My husband's voice telling me he loves me.  The joy of sitting down at the piano and producing beautiful music even for a few minutes.  My sister taking time out of her schedule to be with me.
     Such small snapshots of time and yet those small moments become etched in my heart.  How can I not be grateful for my life with moments like those?  I'm reminded of how fast time goes.  Every year goes faster and faster.  Before I know it, Annie and Taylor will be adults and Chase will be a teenager.  My mom will be retired, I'll probably have more nieces and/or nephews.  And who knows what else lies in store?  These moments are happening now and they won't last forever.  Maybe the Lord is helping me to appreciate them now, even if they're happening in a crazy time of life.

Let it go

Let it roll right off your shoulder

You should know

The hardest part is over

Let it in

Let your clarity define you

In the end

We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists and turns of fate

Time falls away

But these small hours

These small hours still remain

(Rob Thomas, 'Little Wonders')

     So this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for my 'little wonders'.  I'm thankful for the Lord who looks out for me and helps remind me of the good things when all I can see are the difficulties in my way.  I'm thankful for the people in my life who matter.  And I'm thankful for the opportunities to grow, though they mostly come through pain and struggle they have made me who I am.  Here's to another year of little moments to look forward to.