A Beginning

     What did you do for New Year's?  I went to bed early.  What a partier.  Can't hold me back; I can snore with the best of 'em...at least my husband can.  I'm more of the occasionally talking in my sleep type, and snorting while I laugh (yes, I actually do that sometimes).  But I digress.

     I've never been a big one to follow 'New Year Resolutions'.  But I can't deny that the idea of another year gone has me a bit nostalgic.  What have I done with the last year of my life?  And what do I want for the new one?  Though they aren't really resolutions, there are a few things I'd like to change and do better this year.  So here goes:

     Confession time.  I've been terrible with my scripture reading this year.  I do have a deep love for the scriptures and they've brought great comfort to me over and over again.  Doggone it, why can't it be easier to read them, then?  Pardon my strong language, folks!  Maybe the frustration comes from knowing that at other times I've engaged myself more in the stories and the words and knowing that I'm not still doing it the same makes me feel...unworthy? guilty?  Well, whatever it is, I have a desire to feast on them and enjoy the feeling I get from the scriptures more this year.  My favorite scriptures is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, a reminder that I really do need the Lord and that if I let Him in, I do much better than I ever could all by myself.  Also, that the most special moments are not the times when everything's going right, but rather when things are going wrong,and yet I can feel the Lord with me and know that with His help, I will be able to handle them: For when I am weak, then am I strong.  And here's one I've been thinking of lately:  Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."  Boy, you can say that again.  Interestingly, I have written beside this scripture in pen the words: He is in control.  I think sometimes I try to hard to put the Lord in a little box, one that I feel I can influence, and then SURPRISE!  He doesn't do what I wanted and I get angry or sad or shocked.  Will I ever learn that His way is the right way, even if I can't understand it?  I fervently hope so.

What I should want to be eating

     Second thing I'd like to work on is my diet.  I've been pretty horrible this holiday season eating gluttonously all the delicious snacks I can, and I've enjoyed it too.  But my body doesn't agree.  Funny how when you fill it with junk, it just don't work the same.  Also, my waistline certainly hasn't been improved by my stay in Sugarville.  A few months ago, Lyle and I went on a 17 day no carb, high protein and veggie diet which we enjoyed.  And I actually did a lot better than I thought I would without all the good eatin' stuff I was thinking about.  So, now we've decided to do it again.  This is day 2 of no carbs, good fruits and veggies and lean proteins.  I'm excited.  But I want a sweet taste in my mouth to end with...not sure of the solution to that one.  I decided to reflect my thoughts about what I can't eat onto my blog template for this month so I could enjoy them some way (notice the cupcake and ice cream cone at the top).  I'll even throw in a picture of candy to make me feel better!

What I actually want to eat

     The last thing I've been thinking about is letting go of some of my grief.  Sometimes I think I've done this well, but it seems that it never stays away long.  It's been a constant companion for the last few years and as part of my continual efforts to become the person I want to be, I need to change my attitude toward my infertility.  This is REALLY hard thing to do!  Even thinking about it makes my stomach clench.  Why is it that even though I know it's not good for me, I cling to it?  I think it has something to do with my ongoing fear of failing and directly linked to my self worth, which has always been a struggling point for me.  I also think it's hard for me to realize that saying, "it's okay that I'm not a mom" is not the same as saying, "I'm happy with never having a child".  Even though this will be a challenge, there's still an excitement in me to keep working on it.  I want to do this.  I want to be happy with the blessings I've been given.
     I like words.  There are times when scriptures or poetry strikes me and I see things in a new light because of the way someone has strung together a bunch of words.  So I tend to write these down when inspiration hits.  Here's some lyrics I've been thinking of this month.

What I Need

All I ever wanted,

All I ever dreamed of,

Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for

Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given,

I've been given what I need.

A mansion on the hill or love like in the movies

Perfect little lives, where no one has a problem

Instead of all those things I thought I really wanted

I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand,

When I thought you had no heart,

Thank you for rejecting my demand

And always giving me the better part.

All I ever wanted,

All I ever dreamed of,

Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for

Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given

I've been given what I need.

Michael McLean

    I hope your New Year will be absolutely fabulous!  And good luck with your new goals!

Laura